


Primrose

by LunaDePlata



Category: Persona 2
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Background Het, Getting Together, M/M, Rating May Change, Repressed Memories, Resolved Sexual Tension, Sexual Content, background mishina eikichi/hanakouji miyabi, eternal punishment spoilers, innocent sin spoilers, it follows the plot except it happened in the 10s basically, yknow the deal by now
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-02
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:46:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 35,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27834004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LunaDePlata/pseuds/LunaDePlata
Summary: Ever seen something that looked utterly, and completely wrong? There isn't anything identifiably weird about it, but you just.. know."Excuse me for the staring but, you seem oddly familiar," he inquired, a gentle edge to his accusatory tone. "Is there any chance we have met before?"(Jun Kashihara sometimes was a little selfish.)
Relationships: Kurosu Jun/Suou Tatsuya
Comments: 61
Kudos: 91





	1. Coffee on the go

**Author's Note:**

> Something silly, higher rated than my usual content, a little messy, but the world needs more higher rated tatsujun.  
> Everything happens in modern times! Everyone has social media. And they're young adults in college, cause being an adult is pretty cool.  
> This work is in no way related to my other main series! It's its own thing.

Life felt empty, sometimes.

A little too plastic, as if successes and events followed a script then derailed, if tragedies were just an ink stain in an otherwise neatly organized manuscript.

The sky was too blue, too perfect, too  _ fake _ , and it unnerved him.

It made him stare at it for longer than he used to once he became aware of the pristine colors and too vibrant atmosphere, as if he was waiting for it to turn a less saturated shade any day.

  
  


It unnerved him in such a way that when he brought it up at the dinner table, his mother looked concerned and softly inquired if there was anything going on in his life he hadn't told her.

  
  
  
  
  
  


There wasn't, not really.

  
  
  
  


It just didn’t feel completely  _ right _ , that was all.

  
  
  


After bringing it up a few times, however, he quickly learned not to bring it up at all.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**“Could it be that you’re stressed, sweetheart?”**

He had graduated with honors despite the mess that had been his last year in school, congratulated by his teachers for pulling through despite the traumatic events that had surrounded him those past months. His fellow students threw shallow condolences at him, as he had failed to make any friends past simple studying meetings, the only exception having been Eikichi Mishina, the appointed boss of Kasugayama, with whom Jun had hung out a couple times here and there, enough to build a casual friendship, and way too many requests for Jun to play in a band he had been too intimidated by to even try it out. There hadn’t been any condolences from his part outside of worried looks and subtle fretting over his mental health, and how could there be? If he had seen part of the mess as well, even if he hadn’t been truly burnt.

At least, Michel  _ understood. _

The friendship remained, but mostly through distant texts and promises to hang out that couldn’t be fulfilled thanks to their now a lot more packed schedules. 

  
  
  
  


Right after the highs and lows of highschool existence, he was plunged straight into university with no stops in between, dropped on a chair in front of professor after professor, droning on and on about things that, while extremely interesting, lost any semblance of beauty or complexity when spoken through those dry, chapped lips.

Like right then, when a lecture about fractals had turned so utterly  _ boring _ even his nerd ass couldn’t stand a single second more. It made Jun want to bury his head in between his arms just so the lecture ended earlier through the power of aggressively napping, but instead he kept it high, masking any semblance of frustration with a cold, detached face. 

There  _ had  _ to be another way to explain fractals that didn’t make an entire room of young adults consider falling asleep on their desks, because when he turned around, he noticed he wasn’t alone in his woes, trying to keep his amusement from showing when he saw a girl’s slowly closing eyes that were desperately trying to remain open. 

  
  
  


He had taken the class out of his passion for mathematics, but it seemed he had just made a mistake instead. 

  
  
  
  


“Make sure to read up to chapter fourteen, and finish the assignment by the following Tuesday!”  _ Oh thank fuck it’s over.  _

  
  


He had to stop himself from dashing then and there through the door as fast as he could if only for the sake of keeping his image, instead daintily storing everything where it had to be in his bag before carefully raising from his chair with as much ease and fluidity he could muster. 

He felt..oddly attached to the image of elegance lately. 

Sure, he had always behaved a little more delicately than his peers, but he wasn’t sure if he would describe himself under the word  _ elegant _ either.

It felt like it was too big for him, fitting more someone like his mother, with her long black locks and sultry looks for the camera. 

On him instead it felt ridiculous, a kid who got sick so often he had missed the entrance exams to the school his father worked in, and instead had to attend a den of delinquents, someone who bit his nails when they threatened to break, a mass of too short limbs and features too small, arranged on his face in a way that felt more and more off as days went by. 

  
  
  


They felt.. _ wrong _ , somehow.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Was it strange to say that a kidnapping changed him?

  
  
  
  
  


While he had failed to completely grasp the full picture of everything going on around him, the blur of colors and sounds that had melted on each other from the panic and nerves had spun him around and tossed him off of every past conception of himself, leaving him with curves where there had been angles in his behavior, the blurry and confusing image of a savior, and disgust towards biting his own nails.

There had been more than one night when he had recoiled from putting them anywhere in his mouth, convinced that the residue of soul drainage tasted absolutely disgusting, he wasn’t sadistic enough to get any pleasure from it, and he really should get himself gloves-  _ only to flinch back and wonder where the fuck had  _ **_that_ ** _ come from. _

  
  
  


He was pretty sure souls couldn’t be consumed in any shape or form, the sole existence of the soul itself was even up for debate. 

  
  
  
  
  


Yet, he couldn’t bring himself to bite them, in the same way he couldn’t help his movements turning soft and calculated, or perking up at any glimpse of red leather.

_ Hoping it was him _ .

Sweet and comforting, overly familiar with those he had just met, tall and imposing, a figure that oozed as much love for others as sadness, a black shadow covering an otherwise too shiny heart. The tall guy from Sevens, a figure shrouded in mystery.

He had left as quick as he had appeared in his life, a blur that had left Jun aching to meet him further, alongside the eerie, utterly strange feeling of having met him before. 

_ Tatsuya Suou. _

The name felt oddly intoxicating when it spilled from his lips late in the night, a whisper born from selfishness, a direct defiance to the other one's plead to be forgotten. 

But how could he?

Even if his face was slightly blurry from the panic he had experienced, his presence had burned itself in Jun's mind for the rest of his days, infiltrating more than a few fantasies he entertained in odd hours, of strong arms wrapped around his waist and a voice low and smooth against his ear, telling him not to be afraid, to simply jump off.

  
  
  
  


If he woke up with a shiver running down his spine after those nights, that was nobody’s problem but his own.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


He searched.

He didn't want to admit it, but he had spent a little too many afternoons around Araya Shrine, walks that coincidentally ended with him staying there for hours, in hopes of meeting someone he never truly met, someone who's face had softened any time it was nearby his own, who's dreams and motivations were unknown, yet felt to Jun as if they were on the tip of his tongue. 

He lingered around Sevens sometimes too, but the school rivalry between Kasugayama and Sevens was a little too strong, and the shame of not having made it as a student there haunted him, so as much as he wanted to look for a tall figure with broad shoulders, he ended up simply accompanying his father and then scurrying out of sight.

Even already being a year and a few months outside of that rivalry, he still hesitated around the building.

The encounter with this man had been so magical, both in its worst sense and it's best one, that he had expected a second encounter, if it ever happened, and oh Lord did he want it to happen, that it would be as shocking as it had been back then, but fleeting, unstable and not permanent, at most a longing gaze in a crowd. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Hence, he wasn’t ready for the chain of events that would later unfold. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


As he walked out of campus, the idea of getting coffee seemed more and more tempting, if only to try and shake his brain awake and stop him from getting himself run over.

Sumaru City on rush hour was chaotic like that, the mess of concrete and steel as harsh and unforgiving as it was beautiful and delicate, crowds of complicated lives moving in unexpected sync to work under the crushing machine of capitalism, their dreams buried right under a layer of forced productivity and dark clothing. 

It made Jun stand out slightly, the pale lilac of a still hopeful student amongst the sea of blacks and greys, swimming through them to try and find a suitable enough coffee shop to get his caffeine fix.

One ended up catching his eye, a sweet little thing with different kinds of cake behind wide windows and a list of coffee prices in a cutesy font that piqued Jun’s interest. He walked in, enticed further by the smell of coffee beans and a fresh batch of carrot cake, and wasn't surprised when he noticed the amount of people waiting for their orders. Sure, five wasn't a big number, but by the size of the store it was more than enough to form a queue. He stood up straight at the end of it, taking a moment to look around as he waited for the old woman at the front of the queue to finally decide which cake she was going to get a slice of. 

A gemini, for sure.

  
  
  


The store itself looked quite new, the aesthetic of it reminding him of a children's story book, with its soft pastels and polished wood, carved designs of various forms of trees and leaves decorating it. The cakes that were on display looked extremely appetizing, soft blobs of cream and fruit alongside chocolate monstrosities, sweet bean fillings and foreign flavor combinations, all presented in a manner so delicate and lovely it brought in the same crowd, a bunch of femenine pastels and classically cut short hair. Which is why the aesthetic of the last person approaching the queue stood out so much, enough for Jun to actually register him, and a happy smile to break through his stone cold expression. 

  
  
  
  


_ He had gotten even taller, hadn't he? _

  
  
  


“Michel?” The man in question, Jun hadn’t seen him in at least a whole year. Still as imposing as ever, Michel, at least in Jun’s mind, was the equivalent of a spiky teddy bear, full of himself but endearingly sweet to others, a wonderful partner to his girlfriend, and maybe a little too addicted to social media, the dark blue hair and the increasingly accumulating piercings, alongside striking grey eyes and painted black nails being a follower magnet after all.

He grinned at Jun once recognition swam through his eyes, grabbing him by the shoulders, and with his obnoxiously loud voice he practically shouted, “Jun! Man, how have you been? It’s been a long while!”

As he was shaken slightly, Jun couldn’t help his small laugh, an ugly little thing that broke through any efforts of elegance, born out of the joy of seeing a friendly face for once in an otherwise dull, and kind of shitty, day. “I-I’ve been okay, Michel!” His own tone was softer, quieter, but still carrying inherent joy to it. 

“I almost didn’t recognize you without the emo fringe! Are you trying out a new look?”

  
  


Oh _ , about that. _

  
  


He was still experimenting with fringes that could make him a little less like his mother. 

He wanted to separate himself from her shadow, despite it having always been sweet and caring, there was something.. off, with remaining there.

In every place he arrived at, the comparison had been permanent, a series of gasps and taken pictures, cooing about just  _ how similar  _ his mother and him were, how the matching fringes were absolutely endearing, the matching names adorable, and Jun’s separate personhood completely disregarded. 

So, after a particularly stressful exam season two months before, he stood in front of the mirror, with the sharpest scissors he owned, and proceeded to  _ cut it all off _ . 

  
  
  
  
  


His mother may have teared up slightly and immediately called a salon.

  
  


His father may have suddenly found out a few resembling features to his own on his son’s face that couldn’t be properly appreciated before.

His professor may not have recognized him for a whole week. 

But it had made a loud enough statement, a change drastic enough, and while he now had a fringe once more, it had yet to cover his eye in the way it used to before, letting some of it be seen. That, and the more delicate pose, he could see how Michel would have mistaken him for someone else. 

“I suppose I am.” He gave a quick little shrug, and Michel’s grin grew even wider. 

“It looks amazing, dude!” He dropped his hands off of Jun’s shoulders, instead crossing his arms together, aiding his image of an alternative delinquent, if Jun didn’t know better. “You know, I was gonna text you later! I wanted to invite you.”

He tilted his head slightly, urging the other to continue. 

“It’s Miyabi’s birthday in a few days, and a few friends of hers are throwing her a party. The guys and I are playing, a bunch of people that used to go to Kasugayama are going, a lot of people from Sevens too..”

_ Oh? _

_ In his mind, he couldn’t help but think of red leather, but he was quick to squash the thought down as soon as it came, so as to not give himself false hopes. _

“But the whole rivalry thing..?”

Michel shrugged. “We’re already in college, man! Anyone still holding onto that is kinda lame, y’know?”

He nodded along, trying not to let his growing,  _ useless _ , hope spill all over the cafe’s floor.

  
  


_ He tried squashing it down once more. _

_ But like a particularly stubborn Hydra, the thought grew three more heads each time he thought he had it under control. _

  
  


“I know it ain’t your scene, dude, so no worries if you don’t wanna come, but I thought I’d offer! We haven’t hung out in a while after all. It’s gonna be in the good old jail, the girls are decorating it so it looks extra cool.”

  
  


_... _

_ But then again, it could happen. _

  
  


The queue moved far enough by then, and as he paid, he turned once more to Michel, who was still waiting for his answer. 

_ There was the possibility the crowd would be suffocating.  _

_ That there would be too many people drunk on alcohol they had those who were older buying for everyone else, or the smell of intoxicating cigarette smoke that made Kashihara gag and choke. _

_ There was the possibility that during the entire night, Michel wouldn’t speak to him at all, and he would end up alone in a corner carefully curating his Instagram feed.  _

_ Maybe he would try enjoying himself, only for it to backfire horribly. _

_ Maybe he would get drunk and say something too stupid. _

_ Maybe he would hit on the wrong straight guy while inebriated and get himself an ass whooping. _

_ But..  _

  
  
  
  


_ if it was for the slightest possibility of actually talking to the man that had saved his life? _

_ He could go. _

“Uh.. who’s going that was from Sevens, exactly?” He hoped his voice hadn’t broken  _ too  _ much.

Michel’s amused grin grew a little mischievous. “Oh, some of Miyabi’s friends! And friends of her friends, I guess. Chikalin, that Silverman chick and her friends, Katayama-san..oh, her girlfriend too.”

_ Her..  _ **_her_ ** _ girlfriend? _

_ Her  _ **_girlfriend_ ** _? _

That made him slightly more secure on the chances of an ass whooping for hitting on the wrong person being low. They paused their conversation so Michel could order, then he turned right back to Jun.

“Suou-san, too. I heard the guy’s a completely different person from the one we met a while ago! Good for him, he looked kind of lo-”

  
  
  
  
  


_ Suou-san? _

  
  
  


_ Tatsuya Suou-san? _

  
  
  


“I’m going.” He broke through Michel’s dialogue as if everything else he was going to say had lost all relevance, because honestly? It had.

It made Michel let out a little laugh from the sheer enthusiasm the little guy in front of him had shown. “That’s the spirit! The very,  _ very  _ thirsty spirit.”

“I’m just interested in thanking him for what he did for me that day, that’s all.”

“Suuure.”

“It’s the truth.” His face turned cold, impassive as he stood up as straight as possible, which made Michel’s laughter grow harder.

“You wanna  _ thank him _ , huh?”

“I do.” His own face was cracking once more into an amused smile, but he tried to keep it on the down low. “In a perfectly conversational sense, mind you.”

The coffee cup was slid on his direction, and so was Michel’s, alongside their respective packages of cake. They exited the shop together, through a series of silent motions asking each other where exactly the other was going, and finding they only had one more block to talk before they had to move their own separate ways to fulfill their (newly found) adult responsibilities. 

“Michel, I completely forgot to ask, what are you doing on this side of town? Aren’t you attending the arts college?”

“Well, yeah, but Miyabi really wanted to try cake from this place and I had a few errands to run, so, better grab two birds with one net!”

“...It’s kill two birds with one stone.”

“That’s what I said!”

He rolled his eyes, affection blooming in his chest as they walked, for a moment basking in the small silence of just the two of them -accidentally- hanging out, a sensation he had missed.

Sadly, life had to keep moving and they had to part ways. Minding both of their packages, Michel gave Jun a half hug, tugging him close to his chest and exposing him to the familiar scent of sea water and patchouli he found out he had missed a lot more than expected.

“I’m sending you the time and all the deets later, okay? And if you need me to pick you up or something, tell the Great Michel, and he’ll be there!”

He chuckled softly. “Sure. Say hello to your father from me, by the way.”

“Will do!” He began walking off. “See you soon!”

  
  
  


He stood there for a few moments, cup of coffee on his hand as he watched Michel’s silhouette walking off, as what had just transpired fell onto him like a particularly hard, yet exciting rock, settling comfortably in his stomach.

  
  
  
  


_ Maybe, just maybe, he was meeting Tatsuya once more. _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
( _ The coffee had turned out to be not so bad. Mediocre, but it did the job. The cake was worth it, though. _ )


	2. Tales of the wandering booze

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Miyabi's birthday happens, and Jun makes a friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think we all should be more clear with our feelings.

If anyone were to enter Jun’s room at that moment, they’d immediately ask what happened, and how much money had been taken, only to find the perpetrator of said crime sitting on his bed and sulking. 

He.. wasn’t sure what to wear. There were options, and many,  _ too many _ , yet none seemed to portray just exactly what Jun wanted to show through his attire, which could basically boil down to “ _ Please Tatsuya, please be into men _ ”.

While he took great effort in his appearance, and liked to remain as polished as possible at all times ever since the incident had happened, there hadn’t been ever before such a strong desire from him to impress someone. And while for some reason he felt it wasn’t necessary, that  _ really, Tatsuya wouldn’t mind _ , he still wanted to give off a good first impression, in case the blimp incident had been forgotten, and Jun turned into another face in a crowd of those who had been saved by him.

He wanted to be seen.

  
  


Even if it could backfire, horribly.

_ He could get the wrong attention. _

_ He could become a laughing stock. _

But for another second of having those gorgeous brown eyes on his figure? He could risk it.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


He ended up settling for a button up with a more form fitting cut than usual, a delicate thing his mother had gifted him with a little smile a few months after he had come out to her, ( _ and a week after having suspiciously come up to him and measured him _ ) not saying anything about the reason for the gift other than a simple shrug of her shoulders and a desire to see him “ _ properly dress up _ ” for once. 

The moment he saw himself in the mirror, he..

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


He had the urge to burn the shirt. 

  
  
  
  
  


_ To toss it off and never see it again, rip it to shreds as he wanted absolutely nothing to do with that wretched woman, a vile creature that had only caused him suffering, over and over, made a fucking mess out of his psyche- _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


His mother had never, ever, even raised her voice at him when he had fucked up the most. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


He really needed to destress, didn’t he.

  
  
  
  
  


He shook off the thought quite literally with an uncomfortable sigh and a light frown, rolling his shoulders back as if that way the intrusive thoughts would roll off faster, then concentrated in his image once more, closing up the remaining buttons of his shirt. 

  
  


He had to admit, it looked quite good. The cut made his already delicate angles more pronounced, and the just barely sheer dark blue material let the contrast of curves and sharp angles be easier to see, easier to  _ grab _ .

  
  


He paired it with other dark tones, the finished product, despite the intrusive thoughts that had plagued his mind before, being a miracle born out of his mother’s good eye for fashion. 

  
  
  
  


It brought a smile to his face, too, when the bedroom’s lighting hit his moving body and revealed the subtle flower pattern engraved all over the shirt, a simple detail that could only be appreciated through particular lighting or through touch. 

  
  


Indeed, that woman had a good eye.

  
  
  
  
  
  


After cleaning up the mess he had disseminated all over his sleeping space, he emerged to see the woman herself, to get a second opinion on his ensemble.

“Mother?”

“Sweetie?” She raised her head from a book she had been immersed in, cocking a cold eyebrow at him. He sheepishly stood out, shifting on his place, face as cold as hers, despite the nervous behavior.

It was rare that his mother stayed around for this long, as her work kept her busy, but Jun appreciated having her around.

( _ didn’t he, the ungrateful brat? _ )

She gave him a wide smile. “Look at you! I knew that shirt would look lovely on you. Gimme a little spin?”

He did so, movements slightly awkward when in comparison with his mother’s own fluidity. She cooed at him, raising up and closer to him, to cup his cheek as he tried not to flinch from the sudden contact. She looked concerned, but when he leaned against her hand, she smiled softly. “Are we looking to impress someone tonight?”

He nodded lightly, eyes moving away from her face, avoiding thinking about the way the sensation of her palm against his cheek suddenly felt colder. “Maybe.”

Her smile grew wider. “May I do your makeup, then? For a little extra oomph.”

It was a rarity, any time Jun let any makeup product too close to his face. 

"Sure."

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


When he saw himself in the mirror, his eyebrows shot up. His mother had actually done a good job, at least in lengthening his lashes and bringing color back to a face that, naturally, was a little too sickly. It wasn't too much, the biggest signal that he had anything on his skin being the highlighter on his cheekbones, useful as a reminder that there was a male face structure under the cherub chub. He gave her a little grin, grateful for what she had done, to which she smiled right back. 

"You promise me you'll stay safe, Jun?"

If his eyebrows could go higher, they sure did at that. "Uh- I don't think, I don't think the warning is necessary."

"We'll see." Her eyes had turned a little enigmatic. "Take something with you. Just in case."

He felt as if his own mother had punched him in that moment. "I- sure?" Still shaken, he rose up. "Where.. where would I get that?"

She let out a loud laugh, as apparently torturing her son was hilarious.

( _ She'd always had an inclination to doing that. _ ) 

On his hand, a small package was placed, her hands closing around his own, her smile incredibly affectionate, despite.. despite everything, really. 

If his face had felt hot, it now felt like it could melt off at any moment. He blinked owlishly at her, a thousand words of denial flashing through his face, as her own laughter pierced through each one. 

"Is that goth kid picking you up?" Well,  _ picking him up _ . Rather, he had ended up accepting Michel's offer of being picked up as a way to ease his nerves on the way, and perhaps catch up a little bit with him, filling in the gaps in between the past year's texts. 

He nodded in response to her. 

"He's handsome." She grinned at him. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**_What._ **

  
  
  


_ What the fuck. _

"I- mother, he has a  _ girlfriend _ ! I'm going to that girlfriend's  _ birthday _ !" He couldn't voice his horror loud enough. 

"So?" Her grin had turned into a teasing smirk, the room's atmosphere shifting in between a tender bonding moment and-

  
  
  
  


_ A grim reminder.  _

  
  
  


Having stored the package in his pant's pocket, he lifted his hands to aid in his process of absolute denial and scandal at being even remotely suggested he was capable of that. 

"I-  _ never _ -"

"Oh, sweetie, I was teasing! I know you aren't capable of that! Don't worry!"

Did she know that?

  
  
  


**_Did she, really?_ **

  
  
  
  


Her laughter had died down, but the subtle shaking of her shoulders still remained. "So it's not the goth kid, hm? Who is it, then?"

**_‘Nobody really, mother, I'm just weirdly hopeful that this guy that used to go to Sevens will show up so I can fawn over him like a fucking idiot and maybe thank him for having saved my life. I don't even know if he likes men at all._ **

**_Why do you even care, huh? Do you want to dangle it over my head when I fuck up at some point? Have more information about me so you can fuck me up more effectively?’_ **

  
  
  
  


_ Huh. _

"I.. this guy who was from school."

"Hm. Well, you're gonna dazzle him, for sure." 

She patted both his shoulders and let him go. "Now finish getting ready. Did you charge your phone?" 

He rushed back to his bedroom to do exactly that, and pointedly ignored the intrusive dialogue that had come to his mind in a voice eerily similar to his own, but with a little difference.

  
  
  
  
  
  


It was raspier,  _ angrier _ . 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


"Wooooo! Baby, you're on fire tonight! Look at you! You ready to rock?"

"Stop saying weird stuff, Michel."

"I made you smile tho!"

"...Maybe."

"..Is that highlighter i see on that cute face? You actually put on makeup for once?"

"You say that as if I never do."

"Duh, you don't! You need a whole Michel makeover sometime, cause that face is  _ made  _ for visual kei."

"Some other time."

"Hm. Okay then, let's go!"

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Michel's voice could be heard a block away when he got excited enough, and  _ boy _ , was he excited. But Jun found he didn't mind it much, it even hyped him up slightly.

Around them, it was silent, only the noise of rustling yellowed leaves and flickering street lights making them company, so the loud voice was a nice distraction from any particularly despairing thoughts Jun could have. 

"And I was like,  _ who, Moi _ ? But if I just began my artwork! I hadn't gotten out of my chair yet! But, and hear this, the bathroom was  _ covered _ , with red paint. And I was painting with red, so of course they pointed at me!" He threw his hands up, almost tossing the bottle of his share of not so legal alcohol they were carrying. Jun's hand went to steady it immediately, as he really didn't want Michel's money to be wasted so soon. 

_ Who knew the guy carried a fake ID? AND actually could play it off enough to buy stuff? _

Good for him. 

Kashihara, for his part, wasn't a fan of anything illegal. Sure, he let Michel buy the booze, but if it had been himself? He would've chickened out. 

  
  


Crime and him didn't mix, not at all. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


( _ Laughable. _ )

  
  
  
  
  


As Sumaru Prison loomed closer and closer, Jun could hear less and less of Michel's rambling, which even he noticed. 

"Dude- Are you nervous?"

He turned to the other, shaking his head slightly. Michel's hand went to his shoulder, a steadying grip. 

When he glanced up at those grey eyes for a single second, they were full of concern. 

_ Was he nervous?  _

_ Well of course.  _

But the reason was so laughably stupid, he didn't feel the urge to voice it. Instead he let out a little sigh, and tried to smile at Michel, which only came out as a mock-up of a grimace. 

"Hey." He put the bottles down for a moment, gripping both of Jun's shoulders and forcing him to look up fully. 

"Look at me. Into my eyes, dude. Aren't they super sexy?"

He couldn't suppress the ugly little snort that came from him at that. 

"You, my man, are a bad bitch. The baddest."

_ Seriously? _

The phrasing was so cringy, he couldn't help the smile drawing itself on his face. 

"You're a bitch so bad, you're gonna walk in there, and charm every dude there. All of em. The straight ones, the gay ones, all of them." 

"All of them? Michel did you.. how many people are really in there?"

"Does it matter? No it doesn't! All we know here is the following. You're hot as fuck, and anyone would love to talk to you. And if none of them are good to you? Go with the mean lesbians. They're pretty cool."

He blinked at Michel. 

"Mean lesbians.. got it." 

And besides, if  _ Tatsuya _ was there or not.. he wouldn't find out unless he got in, would he? 

He took a deep breath, brushed Michel's hands off of his shoulders, and began walking towards the Prison, Michel right behind after having picked back up the alcohol. 

  
  
  
  
  


_ Was Jun making the right choice? _

_ He wasn't sure.  _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The music, once inside, was  _ loud _ .

Very loud. 

He had only been to the Prison a couple of times, when he watched Michel and his friends practice, laying back on one of the ratty couches laid around and feeding himself little mochi balls. Sometimes Miyabi had been there too, sharing her snacks with him, vibing along to the music. 

Michel had been.. the only friend Jun had in highschool. 

That he ever had, really.

  
  
  
  
  


He didn't remember having other friends.

Sure, the bandmates and Miyabi herself were friendly to him but.. he didn't feel that strong of a connection as he felt toward Michel. 

Those moments, with the screeching guitars, the too many moths and the shitty lighting, were experiences he kept close in his heart. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Which is why the current state of the Prison almost gave him a heart attack.

It was completely different, the dim blue lighting giving the whole thing an otherworldly feeling, the pumping bass making him want to jump every time it got particularly heavy, the smell of sweet alcohol and dizzying sweat that emanated from a way larger crowd than he had expected making him want to turn around and run for the hills.

It was  _ packed _ . 

Michel, next to him, gave him a reassuring grin, and was about to bend down and say something to him when he was suddenly whisked away by two girls who were excitedly calling his name. He gave Jun apologetic eyes and tried to carry him along, but he shook his head, motioning that he was going to place the alcohol somewhere instead. 

After all, he couldn't keep Michel next to him the entire night. He was going to play with his band, for fuck's sake!

At least he could dive through the crowd, find Miyabi and say hello to her, right? Maybe have a few drinks, nothing too crazy. 

  
  


He pushed through the crowd, maneuvering through way too many young adults (how the fuck had they gathered this many people? Sure, it was a weekend and all but-) And messy furniture distribution, until he found a table overpopulated with bottles of all colors and sizes. He grabbed the bottles and put them down there, alongside the growing family. 

A woman was getting her glass served by a way too interested younger man, both red in the face as they tried to speak to each other through the loud noise, his glass already full. 

The atmosphere made Jun feel as if he had arrived already at the second party, the whole mess making him really,  _ really _ consider his earlier plan of sticking in a corner and curating his Instagram feed. Sumaru Prison was basically a club at this point, he could see a few people already bringing up the concept of  _ oh no-  _ **_karaoke after the band_ ** , and oh God Michel was going to begin playing soon-

It was.. overwhelming. 

  
  
  
  


Okay,  _ Miyabi _ .

  
  
  
  
  


He could find her! Couldn't he?

He glanced around, checking for a petite girl with chubby cheeks and sunny personality, long black hair and way too much Kuromi merchandise over her body, who most likely would be chatting animatedly with someone in the crowd. 

And indeed he found her! Talking the ear off of an equally petite girl wearing a blue headband and a taller girl hugging the smaller from behind, the taller looking like she was struggling not to permanently glare everywhere.

_ Oh, the mean lesbians.  _

_ They didn't seem that bad, though! _

Taking a deep breath, and with bigger resolve than before, Jun moved forward, determined to say hello before the impulse drained out of him. 

"Miyabi-san?" He called out to her, to which she perked up. 

"Jun-san! Hi!" She bounced towards him with great enthusiasm, putting her hands on his arms and bringing herself closer, to smile at him, which felt- 

_ Felt absolutely out of place. _

Her vanilla perfume invaded all his senses for a moment, and he blinked a few times, trying to center himself in the moment, despite the pumping bass and the masses of people that had decided it would be a great time to start drinking a little more, alongside the sound of instruments being moved around. He gave her a sheepish little smile. 

"Happy birthday, Miyabi-san." 

She grinned widely at him. "Can you believe it? I'm gonna be an old lady now!"

"You're barely an adult, Miyabi-san."

"Same thing! Soon I'll be able to drink, too."

"Legally."

"Legally!"

He liked her energy, warm and bubbly, determined when it was needed. From inside one of his pockets, he raised to her a small envelope, in delicate handwriting, a pressed flower stuck seamlessly to it, all tied up with a delicate string. She raised an eyebrow at the direct gift, but took it nonetheless, nodding to herself.

"I didn't see anywhere to place it.. so."

"You're too generous, Jun-san." Her tone turned delicate, reverent for a moment as she stared at it a little better. "Could you do me the favor of placing it behind the stage? By my purse. The Kuromi one." 

He nodded, and was about to leave, when she grabbed his wrist. "Not right now!" She laughed, dragging him right back into the conversation. "Just remember to do it afterwards!" 

Well, he had been given directions, and was pretty good at following orders, so. 

The other two women, whom Jun had completely forgotten about for a bit back there, were staring amusedly at him. 

Miyabi blinked owlishly, before dissolving into a fit of bubbly giggles, her cheeks a darker shade than the rest of her face.

_ Oh. He hadn’t noticed that before.  _

"I forgot to introduce you! I'm so sorry! These are Katayama-chan, and her girlfriend, Yoshizaka-san!"

The shorter of the two girls gave Jun yet another sunny grin that made him seriously consider getting some kind of sunglasses, thanks to the sheer happiness it radiated. "Noriko Katayama! It's a pleasure! And this is Anna."

"Jun Kashihara." He bowed at both the girls, even if the taller didn't do much else than simply nod at him. "The pleasure is mine." 

Miyabi made a quick job of integrating all of the participants into the conversation, taking a moment to fill Jun in about from where exactly she knew the other two women. 

Knowing he was amongst people like him, at least in one way, he felt a little more at ease, not contributing that much to the conversation because of how much he had to raise his voice to do so, yet listening intently. Apparently Noriko and Anna had been dating for about two years, having gotten together in Anna's last year of highschool. They knew Miyabi through an interview she had done on the track team, which Noriko had been a part of, and so had Anna, before..

“Car.” was all Anna said.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Jun could fill in the gaps for her.

  
  


( _ A deep sorrow filled his chest for a moment, a sensation that almost cut him in half. He must’ve reacted somehow, because Miyabi, even in her buzzed state, leaned towards him in concern. He quickly shook his head and attempted with as much fluidity as possible to brush it off, but the pain lingered for a few seconds. Anna’s eyes narrowed, staring at him with a slightly confused expression. _ )

  
  
  


Despite the sour note on their conversation they moved it forward, into lighter topics, even dragging a few laughs out of Jun and even  _ Anna _ , who seemed to be slowly easing into the exchange, even if not feeling completely at ease around Jun, and vice versa. 

  
  
  
  
  


There was a sort of wall in between them, that neither party did any effort to take down. 

  
  


When Miyabi excused herself to “find Michel and see what he’s up to”, Jun found himself with the two girls, trapped in a slightly awkward situation. The two others didn’t seem as bothered as he was, however, chatting amongst themselves mostly, with Noriko trying to rope Jun into the conversation once more. He put his best pleasant smile, trying to follow along despite having little idea of what was going on.

Well, at least he had completed half of his mission for the night, and the song playing currently wasn’t half bad.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


And so far, no tall handsome saviors on sight.

  
  


It left Jun slightly crestfallen, an empty feeling settling itself inside of him as minutes went by, his hopes more and more crushed at the lack of anything resembling Tatsuya Suou on his line of sight. He wasn’t sure what Noriko was telling him anymore, his eyes fluttering from person to person as if that way he could summon the man right then and there.

  
  
  
  
  


He knew it wouldn’t work, but a man could wish, couldn’t he?

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


He ended up excusing himself from the conversation with the two women once he found himself in a too awkward situation to keep it up, moving on to go and place his gift in Miyabi’s purse.

  
  


He maneuvered through the crowds and towards the stage, an elevated platform made out of the same metal as the rest of the Prison, only a dark red curtain separating them until they were ready to start playing. There, having lifted enough of the curtain to pass through, he found Michel’s bandmates finishing their setup. They greeted him happily, asking him what he was up to, to which he raised up the -still intact- envelope. 

They pointed towards the purse that was at the far end of the stage, tucked away from plain sight. It made Jun’s face contort into a little grin when he saw the multiple charms and cutesy details clashing against the black background, gently opening it to carefully place the envelope inside. 

  
  
  


Well, that was that.

  
  


He quickly got off the stage with full intent of getting to his second goal of the night, walking once more to the alcohol area, already thinking on what exactly he would get himself to drink,

  
  


only to basically collapse against a hard, yet surprisingly warm, surface.

Oh, a person.

He raised his head to apologize, only to reel back,

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


and have to suppress a little gasp.

It seemed his pleas came true, except with a little bit of delay.

  
  


There he was, an angled face with no longer any baby fat, softened by the fluffy brown hair framing it in a hairstyle a lot more flattering than the one he had remembered him having two years before. Long eyelashes, dark brown eyes, and lips that Jun didn't dare stare at for too long in case his face betrayed the way his stomach had dropped and his breath had taken a little too long to properly move through.

The man himself shuffled awkwardly in place as he silently apologized to him, having none of the manly confidence he remembered, but Jun was absolutely sure he had been the same one that had saved him, and the people in the museum, so long ago.

He tried to stop his own awkward gawking, trying to render his face into neutral hostility, because the other didn't seem to have a single shred of recognition on his face when they made eye contact, and it was a little rude to stare so intensely at someone. 

Perhaps he made a living out of saving others? Sure, the man that had called himself his brother had been absolutely flabbergasted and furious with Tatsuya's actions, but it felt more as if he had found out a secret, rather than new behavior.

Obviously, Jun's face had gotten lost in between many others. 

  
  
  


His hand gently gripped Tatsuya’s arm as he separated himself from his ( _ warm, so warm _ ) body, giving him a sheepish look as he did so, checking his white shirt in case he had smeared any visible makeup on it ( _ as well as having an excuse to stare at his wide shoulders and his firm chest, all while trying to stop his mouth from watering. _ ). 

However, the man didn’t seem offended at all, in fact Jun found himself gawked at right back, those deep brown eyes (turned black by the surrounding blue lighting), seemingly taking in Jun’s face. 

He leaned a little closer, to say something in between the loud noise surrounding them of course, but Jun couldn’t help the  _ shiver  _ running down his spine when he felt the smell of Tatsuya’s cologne. 

“Are you okay?” He asked with a voice so deep and soft, so  _ caring _ for a goddamn stranger it made Jun want to scream.

“Yes! Yes.” His grip softened and he proceeded to let go, as much as he wanted to keep his hand there, it would be rude to do so. 

Tatsuya had yet to move away from being so close to Jun, however, still staring at him with an unreadable expression. 

  
  


Neither party could break his gaze apart, staying there with nothing to say, yet-

  
  


_ It felt as if they were telling each other way too much, all at once, all together. _

  
  
  


He couldn’t even register the surrounding chaos around them for those few moments, in his mind simply being Tatsuya’s face and Tatsuya’s face alone, alongside the screams inside his head to please, for the love of  _ everything, keep yourself together _ , and the tension that coursed through them, even after having moved his hand away.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Tatsuya was the one to break the tension.

“Can I serve you something?” He nodded towards the glasses and the accumulation of alcohol. “As.. as an apology.”

  
  


Okay!

_ Okay. _

“Okay.” He breathed out, nodding his head along in case he couldn’t be heard. 

  
  
  


The drink poured in his glass didn’t feel real, and neither felt his own motions of corresponding the gesture, Japanese customs simply taking over and doing their job for him. 

  
  


That was it.

That could be the end of their interaction. A simple bump, an apology, a drink served.

After that..

  
  
  
  


_ He could ignore him. _

_ Please himself with the confirmation of having seen him once more, the boy that didn't want to be remembered yet was. _

_ He could leave him alone, like he had requested with sad, pleading eyes. _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


But Jun Kashihara could sometimes be a little selfish, and while there was  _ something _ screaming inside of him and trying to pull him away from certain  _ ruin _ , 

  
  
  


He found himself seeking that fate. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Tatsuya’s body language seemed more and more uncomfortable at the situation, clearly unsure on what to do exactly, and Jun couldn’t really blame him. He couldn’t see himself at that moment, but he knew his expressions could sometimes be a little..

_ Intense _ .

  
  


He met the other's eyes once more, who looked a strange mixture of startled, interested, and freaked out at being stared at so unabashedly, and gave him a sweet smile, trying to soften his features. "Excuse me for the staring but, you seem oddly familiar," he inquired, a gentle edge to his accusatory tone, trying to make himself understood through the loud masses. "Is there any chance we have met before?"

The gloss of unfamiliarity was still covering his eyes. 

"I don't.. think so, sorry." He said, and that confirmed Jun's suspicions of being another face in the crowd, something that wouldn't have had to bother him, yet struck a great deal of sorrow in his chest, constricting a single breath. He had begun to turn around and continue on with his life, perhaps sulk in a corner of the Prison, when the man continued. "But I. Think I've seen you somewhere. Or.. at least I would've liked to."

_ Oh? _

  
  


He turned straight on towards Tatsuya this time, trying -and failing- to repress the surprised smile in his features.

Hadn't this taken a little turn?

"Perhaps we went to the same school? My name is Jun Kashihara, and I went to Kasugayama." He took a sip from his drink, eyes not leaving his as he did so, attempting to play up his image as much as he could get away with.

"Kashihara-san.." There was  _ something _ in Tatsuya's eyes that made Jun's stomach make a little nervous flip, even worse when he noticed the subtle darkening on those sharp cheekbones. "I went to Sevens.. maybe somewhere else? I uh, I had a teacher by that name, too.."

( _ please for the love of everything be into men, please, please, please- _ )

( _ wait, teacher, what teacher, what- _ )

( _ wait, wait, so if he entered the school when his father had asked, he would’ve entered Tatsuya’s class? Oh, come on- _ )

"Oh! My father was your teacher?" He had meant to ask him next about the Aerospace museum, but this was new.

Tatsuya nodded. "He was a good teacher. I uh- I'm. I'm Tatsuya Suou, by the way. I didn't tell you before." He seemed unused to this amount of talking, stumbling onto his words in such a way Jun found it incredibly charming. 

"Maybe we know each other like that. I have a few acquaintances from Sevens, like the birthday girl, so that could be it, as well!" He shrugged, his smile still soft and eager. "Either way, it's a pleasure, Suou-san."

He didn't mention the blimp, even if it was on the tip of his tongue the entire time. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It felt.. as if he shouldn't say anything about that.

  
  
  
  
  


“So you know Hanakouji-san.” Tatsuya hummed into his own drink. 

“I do! She’s a friend’s girlfriend, so.”

“Oh. You’re friends with Eikichi Mishina?”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Getting into a conversation with Tatsuya Suou turned out to be a lot easier than expected. About a few minutes in, they moved it upstairs nearby the door, so they could actually hear each other, as shouting had proved to be exhausting, having taken a bottle of booze each one with them.

In between drinking and talking, he found out Tatsuya was finishing police school and was getting ready to become an official rookie ( _ which would explain that stripe of heroism _ ), that he had a pretty great enthusiasm for it, that he had gotten dragged to the party by Anna Yoshizaka (“Oh, that’s quite funny, I was talking to her and her girlfriend a while ago!”), whom he was very good friends with ( _ so if Jun dared hit on him, it seemed even if he was straight as an arrow he wouldn’t make a big fuzz out of it- _ ), and that while he didn’t party as often as years before, he still liked going out. 

  
  


Talking to him made him feel more approachable, less of a blurry faced wet dream and more of an actual person with hopes and dreams.

Something that, in any other case, it would’ve made Jun quickly deflate, lose all his interest and move on, quite like many other superficial crushes he had before.

But with this man?

  
  
  
  
  
  


_ He felt as if he was catching up with someone precious to him in a past life. _

  
  
  
  


He couldn’t stop his laughter as Tatsuya told him about an old anecdote from when he had been a kid and wanted to imitate the heroes he saw in tv, balancing himself on a window of his house and wanting to jump to see if he could fly or not, while his brother freaked the fuck out and tried to grab him before he did something stupid. In return, Jun told him of the times he pretended to make “potions” out of backyard weeds and attempt to drink them to make himself wiser, only to get them snatched away by his father, who scolded him, but looking back, Jun now realised he was holding out laughter. 

From that they moved onto other topics as the booze dwindled from the bottles and went into their systems, from which was their favorite color, which ended in Jun’s finger digging on Tatsuya’s chest as he emphasised on the superiority of green over red, to lamenting about the state of the Japanese government, quickly finding out they had very,  _ very _ similar opinions on the matter,

“Can you believe that! So- so many other countries have!”

“It sucks.”

“It does!”

Passing through topics like if they had any pets, which quickly devolved into a long and detailed rant from Jun about his plants, because he considered them basically his children, and he was proud of them, goddamnit-

“Mhm.”

“I- oh, I’m sorry, I’m rambling, aren’t I?”

“It’s okay.” Tatsuya took a swig from his bottle, having left his glass who knows where at some point. “I like your voice.”

Jun felt like he was going to die then and there at that, hiding most of his face with his hands and his glass. “...Thank you.”

He shrugged. “It’s nice. Soothing.” 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Putting the bottle down for a moment, cheeks completely flushed, which Jun was able to see a little better thanks to the combination of outside streetlight lighting in its harsh white tone and the blue hue of the inside lighting, Tatsuya turned straight to him. “Kashihara-san?”

“..Yes?”

“Uh. You’re.. nice.”

_ Where exactly was this going? _

Jun tried, really tried, to keep his hopes at bay as Tatsuya tried to piece his thoughts together, something he quickly had found out was pretty normal on him. 

He made a series of awkward hand movements, which left Jun even more puzzled, until he pointed at him, then at himself. “We could.. We could hang out sometime? Like, like friends?” He winced at that, obviously embarrassed at how awkward that had been, but Jun wasn’t paying attention to that. 

... _ Friends? _

  
  


_ Friends. _

  
  
  
  
  


_ Really..? _

  
  


He made it a point not to show his disappointment, instead he smiled sweetly at him, nodding eagerly. “I’d love to, Suou-san.”

Having exchanged contact information, they spent a while longer chatting, before being almost thrown off of where they were by the sudden appearance of three women getting inside the Prison, one taking a moment to stare at Tatsuya for a little too long, Tatsuya staring right back. 

  
  


She grinned at him, “Suou-senpai! Hi!” and bowed eagerly at him, to which Tatsuya smiled and nodded at her. “Hey, Lisa-san.”

“We’ll talk later, okay? But it’s super nice seeing you!”

_ Oh no. _

She was foreign, blonde, blue eyed and beautiful, a bubbly and vapid aura over her, despite the sharp stare that betrayed a lot more thought capacity than what she outwardly let on. She looked at Jun next, giving him a polite smile as a response to his staring, before she and her two other friends moved downstairs.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_ Well, at least he could remain friends with him. _

_ That.  _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_ That shouldn’t have hurt as much as it did. _

  
  
  
  
  


As Michel and his friends began playing, Jun got back downstairs, Tatsuya after him, their little world having been shattered by Lisa(?)’s appearance.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The rest of the night passed like a blur. 

He had fun, that was for sure.

At one point, Tatsuya had ended up next to him once more, when the crowd had decided dancing to be a perfectly good idea, his hands having ended up on Jun’s waist as they moved together for a few moments, grinning at each other, the contact making his skin heat up, and an excited thrill to run through his mind. 

Their moment was interrupted, however, by Michel’s interruption of their set to give a heartfelt little speech to Miyabi, something that felt.. _eerily_ _familiar_ , from the position of his hands to how he declared that “he chose her, now, and forever.”

It wasn’t that the words were the same as something he had said in the past, no, but.. the  _ sentiment _ .

It felt weirder than a deja vu.

Tatsuya’s hand remained on Jun’s waist for a moment longer, but when Jun didn’t react, still too deep in the rabbit hole of trying to find out  _ when  _ Michel had said something with  _ that  _ kind of sentiment, he removed it slowly.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The warm imprint remained in his mind, even when he had finally gotten home and in his bed.

If he spent a little more time awake still thinking of how rough his hands felt, how warm his body was, how wonderful his voice sounded, and how good he smelled, that was nobody’s business but his own. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


A shame he only wanted to be friends, really.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah.
> 
> A classic.


	3. Golden hair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Completely vanilla friendship ensues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aw, bros! brohood.
> 
> By the way! I was wondering how you guys felt about me adding explicit content! Yay, nay, would it be uncomfortable to read?

Texting Tatsuya Suou was slowly becoming a habit. 

  
  


Jun's schedule was absolutely packed with class after class, while Tatsuya's was spent either training or in the Police Academy, so the premise of _hanging out_ had been left up in the air. 

That didn't stop them, however, from texting each other. 

It began three days after the birthday party, Jun not having dared begin the conversation at first, concerned he would freak the other out if he suddenly texted him and he didn't remember having given Jun his number after having so much to drink.

But as the days went by, the want to talk to him kept growing.

He had already been selfish once, talked to someone who his mind kept yelling not to, trusted his heart instead of any paranoid premonitions he could have. 

_What was the harm in being selfish twice?_

And so, he texted.

**"Hello! I hope I saved this number right. It's Kashihara, we met a few days ago at a birthday party."**

He got a reply almost immediately. 

**“Hey Kashihara-san, I was scared of that too. It’s Suou, you got it right. What’s up? :]”**

Was the first exchange in what would become a string of many, _many_ more, Tatsuya’s use of emoji language becoming more and more complex in imagery and prevalent in usage as their conversations went on, spanning for over a month of increasingly more often messages about literally anything and everything, from Jun complaining about how boring his classes were, passing through heated discussions about movies they enjoyed, to Tatsuya revealing his brother liked baking, and just how absolutely sick and tired he was of the amount of cakes everywhere he looked. 

“I don’t know why he doesn’t just become a baker.” He told Jun, and at first he agreed, until more of their conversations let it slip that Tatsuya’s family situation was a lot more.. _complicated_ than what Jun had expected, and quitting a secured job to pursue something a lot riskier wasn’t recommendable. Tatsuya didn’t say it outright, but Jun..

Let’s say he had a pretty good eye for detail.

In return, he told Tatsuya about his parents, and let slip a little himself, of the complicated relationship they had amongst themselves, and while he was loved-

  
  
  


( _Was he?_ )

  
  
  
  
  


Some things had gone down. 

  
  


It felt a little strange, sharing these topics with someone he had known for barely a month, but something.. _pushed him forward_. 

He had difficulties trusting people at times, but Tatsuya had saved his life, for fuck’s sake! Been soft and gentle, even in the worst crisis. He felt like he could talk to him about serious things without scaring him off.

Like if he knew he wasn’t going to be judged for it. 

Tatsuya had proven himself respectful and didn’t ask many questions, instead letting Jun tell him whatever he felt comfortable with, something he deeply appreciated, and let Jun have enough time to share and explain himself. 

They wouldn’t touch the subject of family outside of vague allegories and short sentences for a long while, but knowing he had someone who would listen made Jun’s heart beat a little faster, even if they were just friends. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


Well.

About that.

  
  
  
  


He would have to remind himself extra hard that morning that they were just _friends_.

After a whole night of catching up with a show he had left paused for ages in favor of focusing on his studies, eyes glued to his phone’s screen as he absorbed the truckloads of drama Netflix had so gracefully made accessible, it was no surprise he had crashed from sheer exhaustion at three am.

He woke up the next morning with the phone over his body buzzing uncomfortably, dreaded sunlight filtering through his blinds.

_Huh?_

Squinting, he checked the time.

  
  
  


**_8:20._ **

  
  


Well, there went his plans of staying any more time in bed if he wanted to get to class on time. 

  
  


He unlocked the wretched thing and quickly checked his messages before plugging it in, as phones didn’t charge through human energy exactly, only to almost choke to death.

  
  


**“Hey, good morning. Hope you have a good day. [ᓀ˵▾˵ᓂ] If you’re free next week we could hang out? If you want.”**

  
  
  
  
  


Did.

  
  
  
  


Did he just get a good morning text?

Jun read it over a couple of times, to make sure he really was registering the words on his screen correctly, and not actually just having a weird fantastic dream where the man that he was trying desperately not to have the biggest crush on was sending him a _good morning text_ _and asking him to (finally) hang out_. By the third read, he was pretty sure he was, indeed, awake, and reading things properly.

To which, he simply replied, **“I’d love to! Would Friday be okay?”** , then proceeded to plug in his phone, sit up, and robotically make his way to the bathroom, a stone cold face on his features the entire time. 

  
  


Maybe, perhaps, he yelled in the shower and had a whole ass breakdown for fifteen minutes, but those claims would remain unproven.

  
  


When he came out of said shower, there were no traces of emotion on him.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The chill wasn’t that bad when he stepped out, but he still congratulated himself on his choice of boots, as getting cold was something his body could do easily and effectively, and sure, it was great in summer, but the moment the weather became just a degree lower, he was freezing. He was, after all, a child born in the heart of winter, and hence, no warmth came to him naturally.

He wondered if Tatsuya, human heater, was one of those guys that could go out in the middle of winter with just a tshirt on, and in that case, if Jun had an excuse to stand closer to him. 

Any excuse would suffice, honestly. 

In all their conversations, he had to admit he had been cowardly.

He had yet to hit on him once after having seen his reaction to that blonde woman, or even reveal the very obvious fact that he liked men. It wasn’t out of fear of getting an ass whooping, as one of Tatsuya’s best friends was a whole ass lesbian, and he seemed overly supportive and happy to talk about the subject the few times it had come up, but rather born out of a fear for their relationship to change somehow. 

Being hit on by a man could be a jarring experience, after all, no matter how supportive the person could be of the community, and by then Jun still had absolutely no idea what exactly Tatsuya was into either. And even if he was into men, there was a low chance he was _also into Jun himself_. 

Sure, he could see the allure of himself, even more with the new habits he had picked up of elegance and the dramatic, but he was also small for a man, obnoxiously nerdy and sickly, traits not _exactly desirable_. Despite how easily their personalities clicked, Jun was more than aware that being attractive to someone went beyond Tatsuya's words of "you're nice".

**One didn't exactly fuck _“_** _**nic** **e”.**_

He could be considered conceited, but if he was to be wanted, he wanted to be _wanted_. Desired, really. He wouldn't settle for half tints. And perhaps that's what he feared, he realised when he thought about it a little further. That, in the possibility Tatsuya wanted him back, he wanted him without the fire that burnt inside Jun's chest every time he saw a new text notification, and simply wanted to mess around.

Being half wanted was even worse than being rejected. 

  
  


But not knowing if he even had a chance? That was torture. 

Perhaps when they hung out, he'd simply come out to him. Or even through text, a foot on the door, metaphorically, to test if he even could attempt any advances. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


As he walked through streets Jun had known his entire life and ignored the way the reflections on glass buildings sometimes felt so off they freaked him the fuck out, he pulled out his phone to continue his conversation with Tatsuya, having to take a deep breath to stop the dumb smile that threatened to appear on his face when he once again saw the good morning text.

**“What are you doing today, Suou-san?”**

He got a reply quite fast, so it seemed he had caught the other with his phone in his hand. 

**“Tatsuya.”**

That threw him off slightly, not the curt tone of the text, as that was normal, but instead the content of it. Well, they had been friends for a little while now, and he had been an overly familiar person from the beginning back when he had saved his life ( _an event that, when Jun suggested it, seemed to recall no recollection at all. He wondered what was up with that, since the whole ordeal had been very, very dramatic. There was the possibility Tatsuya didn't want him to remember, perhaps his little stunts of violent vigilantism were something he didn't want to discuss in plain daylight, or through text. It puzzled Jun, and he would pursue it further, but when he had some sort of parameter to stand on as to why exactly Tatsuya didn't want recognition for his good deeds._ ), so, he really shouldn’t have been as taken aback as he was. 

It just felt like they were walking into territory that was better _left alone._

**“You still haven’t told me what you’re doing today, Tatsuya-san.”**

**“( ╹▽╹ ) That’s better.”**

The dumb smile was winning. 

**“Going to the gym, then class. ᕙ(⇀‸↼‶)ᕗ You have class today too right? ( ╹▽╹ )”**

**“Yes, with the dreaded one. He keeps trying to make us use the most complicated formula out of them all, when we could achieve the same result with something a lot simpler and easier! Haha, if he keeps this up, I might have to start considering mur-”**

His finger paused on the keyboard. 

_What the fuck was up with him lately and the murder jokes?_

It wasn’t the first time he caught himself making such a poor taste remark, the nasty habit having appeared out of nowhere a week after the party while on a call with Michel, where he suggested he used a machine gun on a few people that were bothering him in his artistic anatomy class. Michel had laughed loudly at that, asking him since when his humor had darkened like that, but encouraged it, describing vaguely how he was going to _wipe them all out_. 

Despite the encouragement, it had left Jun horrified even an hour later when the call had ended, and he sat alone in his bedroom, phone laying over the pastel green duvet in front of him.

  
  


His father had taught him to be kind, over and over, and while his mother could have her.. nasty habits, she had never outright supported jokes about a subject as vile as that. He himself would have never said something like that, not even at his angriest. He felt physically incapable of being mean enough to wish for someone’s death, especially after having provoked an accident and let his kidnapper fall to the void.

The incident had marked him, made him swear off of violence, carrying guilt on his shoulders for something that most likely hadn’t killed the man, but seriously injured him at the very least.

A senseless act.  
( _“It’s not your fault”, Tatsuya had said, voice gentle and broken._ )

Something he would never repeat.

( _Wouldn’t he?_ )

Yet, there he was, laughing and talking about killing as if there was nothing inherently abhorrent of it. 

**“Yes, with the dreaded one. He keeps trying to make us use the most complicated formula out of them all, when we could achieve the same result with something a lot simpler and easier! Haha, if he keeps this up, I might have to start considering changing class!”** He sent, ignoring the protesting whispers on the back of his mind.

**"You'll do great anyways. ヽ(*ﾟｰﾟ*)ﾉ I could send you dumb stuff to distract you?"**

**"Please do so."**

He had yet to consider anything Tatsuya sent him as dumb, each little thing was simply a piece of his personality he had decided to share with him. And if the man could stand Jun’s spam of flower pictures that time he had asked how his plants were doing, he could certainly stand to receive whatever Tatsuya had decided to label as _dumb_.

  
  
  


Class was as boring as Jun had dreaded it to be, a seemingly endless monologue of the nature of numbers and suffering. He kept himself in good posture and neutral face for at least two hours, but the moment his phone vibrated once more, he swore he could hear a nearby chorus of angels singing _Oh thank fuck, a distraction!_

Keeping an eye out for his teacher’s judgement, he pulled out his phone, checking what Tatsuya had considered silly enough to send to him and-- _oh?_

**_OH?_ **

  
  
  
  


His eyes flew as open as they could go, breath hitching and catching in his throat, a weight that made him lose composure for a moment, having to lock his legs against his chair to stop himself from coming forward and completely breaking the carefully manufactured image of elegance he had been holding so far in public. 

This would be the second time today this man had threatened to make Jun choke to death, and he wasn’t even mad about it.

Rather, he was just shocked.

In front of him was a picture Tatsuya had sent just then, something that Jun had to _really think out of the box_ to find it as anything else than _flirting._

If he could blush just a tad easier, he’d have melted then and there.

It seemed to be quite a busy day at the gym Tatsuya went to, GOLD’s characteristic infrastructure populated by different people of all shapes and sizes doing their own routines at their own pace, and maybe Jun would’ve spent a little more time observing the background if it wasn’t for Tatsuya’s delightfully shirtless figure in the forefront. He was giving a little crooked smile to the camera, silly and way too nice, borderline innocent, for what exactly was on display there. He looked _delicious_ , subtly tan skin glistening under the gym’s light, flushed by recent movement, soft shadows exposing the kind of definition that was for practical strength rather than simply aesthetics, the kind that could easily hold him against a wall and-

Okay, maybe Jun’s mind was in the gutter.

_But how couldn’t it?_

Just in case, he put a hand to the corners of his mouth, relieved to find nothing, because he sure as hell felt like that. 

**“୧(＾ 〰 ＾)୨”** Was all the picture was captioned with.

He.. he wasn’t sure how to reply. 

Sure, he could bite the bullet and say something a little out of line, only for it to backfire because it was just a friend sharing his progress with another, and now he had completely ruined it and exposed himself as a pervert. He could say nothing and ignore him, but if it was flirting, that was the same as a rejection.

**“Working hard, huh? You must be really tired already!”** He ended up settling for the most vanilla answer possible, as everything else in his mind was a chorus of _rail me rail me rail me-_

**“Oh. Yeah. Made some progress tho. <(￣︶￣)>” **Jun felt as if he was balancing himself on a rope in the air at that moment, as any comment out of line could possibly compromise his friendship with a man that was becoming slowly more and more important in his life. And sure, he could possibly not be judged for it, but making a single dent on their relationship, the single idea of it, especially being far away from each other- he didn’t want to risk it. 

At the same time, however, he knew Leos loved their compliments.

 **“Well, the results certainly show.”** That was neutral enough, wasn’t it?

**“Thanks, Kashihara-san. ( •͈ᴗ•͈ )”** Awfully formal for already sending each other selfies, wasn’t it?

  
  
  


**“Jun. Call me Jun.”**

  
  


If he saved the picture for later, that was nobody’s business but his own. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Tatsuya wouldn’t send him anything else _like that_ for the rest of the day, though, instead mostly sending him goofy selfies and pictures of interesting stuff he saw, even when he was supposed to be in class, something that Jun pointed out, only to receive **“But I promised you I’d keep you entertained.”** back. 

He would have to keep himself on a tight leash, else he said something that could damage their friendship.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“In an awfully good mood today, huh Kashihara-san?” Said his teacher the moment he raised to hand in his assignment, the man’s face a mixture of disdain, disgust and disinterest. He froze up slightly, but tried to wrest away the shock into an equally cold nod, leaving with a little more flourish than he used to, just to piss off the man further.

He.. wasn’t used to being this petty, but things kept changing, and he wasn’t sure what was him, and what was the parasite that kept trying to eat up his mind and replace it anymore. All he knew was that angry reactions came out easier, murder jokes came out naturally, and he spent a lot more time convincing himself that he still looked good in pastels.

He hoped the upcoming holidays could calm him down again, as his foreign reactions were most likely **just the stress.**

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


On Friday, he woke up with a terrible headache. 

It wouldn’t go away at breakfast with his father, when he tried to concentrate on what the man was saying, but all he could feel was the static on the back of his mind, and he almost missed when attempting to drag natto inside his mouth. It didn't leave him when he tried to concentrate on what to wear to his meeting with Tatsuya, and got even worse when he dismissed idea after idea, finally forcing himself to wear the fluffy lilac coat he had bought with his mother and ignoring the itch to rip it to pieces. 

  
  


The pang of pain inside his head, opinionated as it was growing to be, told him he looked disgustingly soft under all the pastel layers to keep at bay the cold.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It only left when he saw him, replaced by the joy of being right about the human heater thing, delighted at seeing him with just a short sleeve shirt, jeans and casual sneakers. 

He didn’t come too close, he didn’t need to, as Tatsuya closed the gap quite easily, a soft smile grazing his features as he greeted him, putting a tentative hand on his arm and squeezing. He looked up at the other, smiling back at him, both in joy of seeing him and in relief, for finally clearing up his thoughts. “I missed seeing you in person,” he mumbled, and to his delight, Tatsuya’s response was a silent gawk. 

Oh, wasn’t he handsome? In plain daylight he was more awkward, shuffling and trying to remain composed as he moved his hand away, a sight that made Jun’s heart grow at least two sizes larger and eased his own discomfort. 

To know this man, soft, caring, _sweet_ , could be the same one who had violently risked his life to save his own while drowning in sadness, it felt a little jarring,

( _That isn’t the same man,_ the parasite in his head whispered. _That man was my own._ ) 

yet he knew not to trust himself in times of horrible headaches and stressful exams, so he ignored it, in favor of walking side by side. 

They walked for a while through the park they had agreed to meet at, staring at the leaves that had changed color, the teenagers that had just come out of school, and the birds that watched the two of them do an intricate dance of things untold through words and gestures. The mood was less festive than the last time they had seen each other in person, but it didn’t matter, it simply felt calmer, and when Jun suggested they went and looked around for silly stuff in shop windows, Tatsuya nodded in a way that suggested he’d follow him wherever he wanted.

And so, they did just that.

  
  
  
  


Under a display of artificial lighting and trinkets for houses, Tatsuya’s hair looked golden.

He couldn’t stop himself from staring, feeling the way his face contorted into a soft smile. “If I had any talent in visual arts I’d paint you.” He muttered, and wondered if Michel could teach him to draw. Anything, really, to capture the moment Tatsuya’s incredulous laughter left his lips. “I’m sorry, was that too strange?” He teased right back, wanting to keep the moment lasting just a second longer. Tatsuya shook his head in reply, cheeks crimson, mouth still the ghost of a smile.

  
  
  
  


They looked at more things around them as they walked, Jun filling the spaces where Tatsuya didn’t speak, soft voice going on and on about things that hardly mattered, 

_(“So I’d need to know the hour you were born in, so I could make an astral chart for you.”_

_“I’ll ask my mother.”_

_“Wonderful! But for now, I could tell you most of what I know about Leos?”_

_“That’d be great.”)_

  
  


while he tried to gain courage to tell him something obvious, just to make things clear, and see if he could get any reaction. 

He managed to do so about two topic changes later.

“And I remember this guy I had a crush on, he had dyed his hair completely purple in a nightclub’s bathroom, and nobody told him anything!” The man in the fluffy lilac coat had put an special emphasis on the word _guy_ , to drive the point home. 

Surprisingly, or perhaps not so much, all he got in response was an amused look and a nod, to tell him to keep going with his story. It made Jun pause. “You.. you have no problem with that?” 

“With what?”

“You know.. the guy aspect of what I said.”

“Why would I?”

He laughed, slightly relieved, and kept going with his story, not sure how exactly to ask Tatsuya if he was a _fellow_ as well. 

At least, that was something obvious cleared up, and Tatsuya had, predictably, not run to the hills.

  
  
  
  
  


To be daring, at the end of their afternoon, as the sun came down early thanks to autumn’s sky, he grabbed onto Tatsuya’s arm, looping it in between both of his own, a gentle clutch as they moved. Some of Sumaru’s residents turned their heads at that, eyes confused and at times judging, yet Tatsuya didn’t seem to mind at all, standing just a bit closer so Jun could latch on comfortably, and absorb some of his warmth.

He only let go once Tatsuya had to go. He looked apologetically at him, a bitter expression he hadn’t expected at the prospect of parting ways.

“Stay safe.” Tatsuya told him at the train station, having to leave this way as he had busted his motorcycle, and had yet to understand exactly how to repair it.

_He wasn’t very good with machines, after all._

  
  
  
  


_(His head hurt at the reminder.)_

He had asked many times if Jun wanted to be escorted home, but time after time he dismissed him, still not ready for the possibility of his family -mainly his father- asking too many questions, and him having to remind them and himself over all that Tatsuya was just a friend and nothing more. 

“We’ll continue texting, Tatsuya-san.”

On those deep brown eyes, for just a second, there was an odd look. A mix of discomfort and lack of understanding. It left as soon as it came, replaced with warmth. 

He nodded.

“Tell me when you get home.”

  
  
  
  
  
  


He did so.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tatsuya got himself into this mess and he can't get out, no matter the amount of selfies.


	4. The dinner, the aquarium

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They keep hanging out, the completely platonic bros they are.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *rollerskates into frame* have more tatsujun!
> 
> I really, really hate how some people interpret modern architecture. If you can't put a flower pot on the balcony, what's the point?

It was a bit too early to say he was _falling in love_ , but at least he could declare he was ridiculously attracted to this man. 

Jun found himself, aside from texting Tatsuya almost every day at this point, thinking of him the moments where he didn’t have his company. 

The thought of his beautiful face came alongside a warmth in his chest that felt refreshing, odd and exciting, the seed of a crush that, no matter how much he tried to repress, was already rooting itself in his heart. A feeling that, at times, when the excitement washed out late at night, could end up seeming very..

  
  


_Familiar_.

  
  


Comforting, really. 

As autumn slowly let everything die, and the leaves turned gorgeous reds and browns, the texts became warmer, the jokes more private. Pictures were exchanged more often, little pieces of each other’s lives that slowly were coiling together, from odd things they saw in the street,

( **“Good morning! I hope you have a lovely day, Tatsuya-san. I had time before class because I woke up too early, so I made a little trip to the nearby park, and look what I found! Isn’t it odd?”** _Was the caption for a picture of an elaborate spider web that took over the space in between two trees. It seemed to have a varying pattern, as if its builder had decided to experiment, and she had decided the end result to be a magnificent art piece. Jun held his hand out in the picture, as a size reference, bare wrist exposed as the edge of his beige cardigan had risen up. The web, having the reference, was enormous._

**“That’s a big one.”**

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**“Jun-san.”**

**“Yes?”**

**"Can you listen to something right now?"**

**"Yes! My teacher hasn't arrived yet. Why?"**

**"Check this out."** _Alongside that text was a small video, for which Jun took out his earbuds to listen. Tatsuya's lovely deep voice rang in his ears. "I was getting my brother some things. And then I looked up." He zoomed on an old ruined apartment building, a Bauhaus induced delusion from an architect who thought he had good taste. At first Jun didn't understand, what was he supposed to see in that mass of disgusting bare concrete?_

_Until he saw it._

_Stemming from seemingly nowhere a few stories up in the air, was a lovely flowering bush, its roots gripping the concrete till it was bleeding, the carnage of nature triumphing over the synthetic, bright pink flowers and deep green contrasting against boring grey._

**"Oh how lovely!! Would you look at that? It triumphed over the horrendous building! I'm not exactly sure which species it is, but it's certainly beautiful."**

**"Sorry, bad camera quality."**

**"No need to apologise, Tatsuya-san! It's a lovely video nonetheless!"** _His voice had certainly helped in making it lovely._

**“I see flowers and think about you. ( ꈍᴗꈍ)”** _If Jun’s heart went crazy at that moment, no, it didn’t._ ) 

to each other’s faces making ridiculous gestures, mementos of each other in between walls and walls of text and cutesy emojis.

To say he was getting a _little_ attached would be an understatement.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


  
  
  
  


They managed to see each other two more times after that first non party meeting. 

One, a Saturday, was to quietly have dinner together as friends who found comfort in each other would do, in a place that didn’t look too romantic. 

It had been Tatsuya’s idea, after he had let Jun know he wanted to go to a restaurant that had just opened and had nobody to go with. But didn't he have other friends aside from himself? Jun asked. Yes, but not many, Tatsuya had explained, Anna and Noriko were busy being with themselves for their anniversary, and while he wanted to rekindle a few old friendships, he just really, _really_ , felt like going with Jun. Something casual, just to hang out. 

**“It’s okay if you don’t want to come.”**

**“Of course I do! I would love to! I was just wondering why you had asked me, that’s all.”** _Was this a date?_

**“You’re my friend and I like seeing you.”** _Oh. Not a date, then._

  
  


Okay, this wasn't a date. 

Just hanging out, and the place wasn't that big of a deal either. 

It really wasn't. 

_There was no need to freak out about outfits again_ , said the man laying on a mess of different clothing to himself. 

  
  


As he looked up at the ceiling for a moment, he wondered if his feelings for Tatsuya were developing too fast. 

He had _never_ felt like this before, in such a rush to get to know someone, know everything, the habits and small details that made the whole man.

He had been in other beds before, he wasn’t a saint, but even _they_ hadn’t produced this feeling. In fact, the more they talked the more they bored Jun, and he had never felt any urges to go on with talking to them once the initial crush had vanished. 

But Tatsuya.. Tatsuya somehow defied all his expectations in a way that made him interesting. And what was even _more_ interesting, was that his speech patterns were sometimes quite..

_odd._

Not so much as to make Jun doubt anything was wrong, or that it was somebody else texting him, but in a way that let him know this man had a lot more depth than it seemed at first glance. 

Their late night conversations the few times they called each other gave way to a rougher, more melancholic Tatsuya, one who spoke of regret in the same tone he spoke of pride, one that Jun rarely caught sight of, but when he did, he found himself melting at the sound of his voice. The sound of his own name said by that Tatsuya was special somehow, an affection engraved in it that made Jun bite into his lip to avoid asking him to say it again.

He wondered since they were going out at night, if he could catch sight of _that_ Tatsuya once more.

  
  


Outside of his little thought tangent, he tilted his head to look at the piles of clothing surrounding him, particularly at the few pieces in black he owned.

  
  


It had never occurred to him to wear an all black outfit before. Even having **Michel** as a friend, he simply hadn’t thought about it, as if any too dark idea, or too much dark color on himself seemed blocked, somehow.

  
  


_But there was a first time for everything, wasn’t it?_

  
  


Which was how Jun found himself in front of the mirror wearing a tightly fitted black sweater, black pants, and weather appropriate black boots. 

  
  


When he put everything together, a stab of pain coursed through his head.

  
  
  


He ignored it.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The whole ensemble looked strange on him, contrasting against his pale skin and bringing attention to the only points of color on himself, his amber eyes and rosy lips, in a way other color combinations didn’t do as dramatically. 

He checked himself a little further, slightly mesmerized by the effect, the idea of _How didn’t I think of this before!_ written all over his face as he lifted his arms and stared at the way the unending black made his movements more poised by the sole virtue of color uniformity. The sweater’s neckline was quite high, and the sleeves draped slightly over his hands, as to make him even more of a shadow, the idea making him smile to himself slightly.

  
  


He exited his bedroom quite content with his image to go fix his hair, when he heard the sound of a box falling. Turning his head towards the source of the noise, he saw his father, who looked quite disturbedly at Jun.

“Father?”

“Jun! You. Are you going somewhere, son?” He looked absolutely _spooked._

“Yes! I’m having dinner with a friend.” Oh, did the word ‘friend’ hurt to say.

“Do you not want to go or something?”

“Huh?” _Huh?_

“Your face.. you looked very **angry**.”

“I did?” He furrowed his eyebrows in confusion, as he actually felt quite happy.

“Did you watch anything that upset you?”

“Well, I did earlier.. Perhaps it’s that? I certainly do want to go out tonight, I don’t need an excuse not to go or anything.”

His father’s smile didn’t seem completely true. “Well, if you say so, Jun.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


He nodded, and went to fix his hair, still slightly confused.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Dinner was.. it was lovely, actually.

The black sweater ended up being covered by his outer coat and scarf, two monstrous pastel things that would keep him as warm as possible until they got there, things that Tatsuya found amusing the moment he saw him, as Jun had begun to classify his expressions, and that twinkle on his eyes suggested he found Jun’s astronaut cosplay incredibly funny.

“Not everyone is as warm all the time as you, you know.” He was on the verge of laughing himself, as the contrast between Tatsuya’s slightly sheer ( _sheer enough for Jun to trace Tatsuya’s figure with his eyes_ ) button up rolled up to his forearms, and his own endless layers was absolutely jarring. 

“It’ll be warmer when we get there.” Promised Tatsuya, but didn’t seem to be moving anywhere, simply giving him a pointed look. 

At Jun’s confusion, he gestured at his own arm. 

_Oh._

_This man was going to kill him._

Trying not to shake too much from the excitement of being openly offered to latch onto him, he took the offer. 

“Lead the way.” He gave him the softest smile he could, making it a point to keep his eyes half lidded and his expression inviting, which earned him the sweetest mortified expression he had seen in a long while.

  
  
  
  
  


The place itself had turned out to be quite cozy. Not a particularly romantic place, no, not that Jun expected it to be, but the lighting was warm and subtle, and the plants that decorated the place all over gave it a rustic vibe. 

Where Tatsuya directed them, after a moment of what seemed to be confusion, was a table on the deepest part of the restaurant, where a huge wall covered in green vines and all year long plants, both local and exotic, stood proudly, spanning the ground floor and up to the first, as the first floor was built as a mezzanine. 

It was, indeed, mesmerizing. He lifted his head to follow it as far as it went, noticing how he had raised his eyebrows involuntarily, and trying to render his face back into cold neutrality to no avail.

“This.. this is gorgeous.”

Tatsuya simply shrugged his shoulders, shuffling awkwardly. “I knew you’d like it.”

“You..” He let out a soft laugh, then moved towards the table, trying to stop the grin that was threatening to break into his face. 

To be honest, he had to say he felt a little spoiled.

It was as warm as promised inside, so he began peeling off the layer collection to simply remain in the fitted black sweater, to Tatsuya’s increased interest, who had been watching him as he typed something in his phone, pausing when he got to that point.

At first Jun wasn’t exactly sure _what the fuck_ that expression meant. 

Tatsuya was simply staring at him, a very odd interest in his eyes. He certainly had his attention, but he wasn’t exactly sure _what kind._

“You look great.” His voice was soft, reverent, a twinge of.. was that _sadness_? In it.

_Maybe he had a very rough day before they met?_

“Thank you!” And well, since they were with the compliments tonight, he could risk it, couldn’t he? “I love your shirt. It looks amazing on you.” _And oh if it didn’t._

He thought his simple comment didn’t deserve that sheer look of _adoration_ , but like hell if it didn’t raise a shiver up Jun’s spine, being directed a stare with that much intensity.

The rest of the night was a series of long conversations, some non alcoholic drinks (as Tatsuya was of drinking age, but Jun had yet to be), and surprisingly good food, which ended in the both of them standing next to each other under a closed store’s marquee to watch the rain pour down after being asked by the closing restaurant to get out. They had only managed to walk for half an hour before it began pouring.

Jun’s arms had both found their place around Tatsuya’s left one, tightly grasping him while he tried to resist the urge to lay his head against his shoulder and make everything even more uncomfortably intimate.

It wasn’t out of fear of being seen, as the streets in that part of town were almost deserted, even more since it was ridiculously late since they had spent too much time talking, but because.

  
  
  
  
  


There was a line there.

  
  
  
  
  


A very _thin_ , 

  
  
  
  


very _delicate,_

  
  


line.

  
  


A line that Jun was absolutely terrified of crossing and making their whole bond crumble down and turn into dust. 

  
  
  


Sure, they had gone for dinner, but the conversations had been absolutely platonic, purposely avoiding the subject of sex or relationships, instead focusing on career related stuff, series they were watching and videogames they had played. And sure, they had complimented each other, and Tatsuya’s face had gotten red more than once, but.

They were _friends_.

Jun wasn’t even sure if Tatsuya liked men still!

And sure, they were affectionate. Michel and him were also affectionate.

Maybe Tatsuya was this way with all his friends. Maybe he just was an overly friendly person. He had certainly acted so in the blimp incident.

  
  
  


This didn’t mean anything.

He wanted it to mean something.

He didn’t want to read things wrong.

  
  


But how could he even begin to ask?

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The rain was slowly thinning out, and he felt physically increasingly uncomfortable.

  
  
  
  
  
  


Tatsuya turned his head towards him, eyes seemingly focused on the top of his head. 

“Tatsuya-san..?” Was there something on his head?

Tatsuya lifted one of his hands, and gently brushed Jun’s wind and rain ruffled hair back in place.

  
  


“You didn’t look comfortable.” Was all his explanation to his behavior, cheeks slowly turning a deeper shade.

Jun simply stared back at him, blinking a few times, lips parted slightly as his face had gone lax and his eyes opened further than usual.

_Oh, this man._

He knew Jun liked looking as composed and elegant as possible, and had obviously noticed his hair had messed up when they had taken refuge under the marquee. 

The gesture was so soft, so _gentle_.

He had been so _nice to him_ the entire night.

  
  


And this gesture, born out of a want to help Jun feel comfortable, was kind of the last drop to fill the glass.

It made Jun’s want to lay against his shoulder a hundred times stronger, or rather than that, 

_He wanted to simply push Tatsuya against the wall behind them and kiss the living daylights out of him, both of his hands feeling his sides as he clung to him to keep his balance from kissing someone so tall, perhaps even place one of his legs in between Tatsuya’s, keep him there and show him just how exactly he felt about him--_

  
  
  
  


( _Oh, great, he was turning aggressive in that sense as well._ )

  
  
  


But since he was a fucking coward, he just gawked at him.

  
  
  
  
  


Tatsuya shuffled awkwardly himself, his cheeks a deep shade of crimson by then, eyes still trained on Jun. "It's soft." He mumbled. 

“Thank you.” Was all Jun managed to breathe out, amongst the chaos of his mind, trying to keep himself from making any of his strange delusions a friendship shattering reality.

Not that Tatsuya’s slightly damp form helped, the small amount of rain that had fallen on him made what was sheer even worse, and Jun had to try his best to not ogle as much as he wanted to, the nearby street lights washing them both with a soft glow.

_He wondered if Tatsuya would shiver if he slowly traced his fingers through his chest. After all, he was quite cold._

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


That night, Jun barely made it to the last train to his neighborhood, once again denying Tatsuya’s request to escort him to his house. 

It would’ve made things.. a lot harder to resist.

On his bed, he couldn’t sleep well, the fantasy of pinning Tatsuya against a wall and finally feeling those soft lips on him pursuing him even in his deepest dreams, as he tried to avoid the heat coiling inside of him at the thought of pushing things _just a little bit further_. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The other time they saw each other, two weeks later, Jun had an even harder time holding himself back. 

It was just that Tatsuya was so.. _good_ to him. Even the stabbing pain in his head that came the moment they confirmed when and where they were going to hang out this time couldn’t overshadow the warm feelings that came with seeing that gorgeous face in person, feelings that more and more often felt tied to a sensation that Jun had yet to pinpoint.

  
  
  


_Need_ , was all that came to mind. A force that wanted to pull Jun into draping himself all over Tatsuya, kiss him silly, hug him close and keep him _safe_.

Safe from what, exactly? That need didn’t specify. 

But it felt almost visceral, a mess of thoughts in his head to keep him _safe, protect him, keep him out of that pain, that fucking pain that’s in his eyes because he didn’t do anything wrong, he didn’t do anything wrong at all, it’s that fucker’s fault,_ **_it’s that piece of shit’s fault for destroying both of their lives, fucking them up so hard and not even letting them be together afterwards, but if he had to force their happy ending he would, HE FUCKING WOULD, AND IF HE EVER SAW THAT PIECE OF SHIT AGAIN HE WOULD TEAR HIM INTO LITTLE FUCKING PIECES--_ **

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


When he blinked back into reality, horrified by that absolutely alien train of thought, they were watching clownfish swim by.

  
  
  
  


“They’re cute.” Tatsuya muttered next to him, no sadness in his eyes.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


They went through the aquarium without talking much, simply basking in each other’s presence, the joy of having each other keeping at bay darker thoughts that threatened to swallow Jun up.

_What the fuck had_ **_that_ ** _been?_

_It didn’t make sense._

_He was just getting to know Tatsuya, and there were no tragic backstories that he knew of, aside from his knowledge of a vigintalism he had yet to acknowledge._

  
  
  


The blue hues surrounding them were calm and stable, the place mostly frequented by couples and groups of friends, so there wasn’t that much noise. 

It was too peaceful to overthink what his strange thoughts had been about.

Jun found himself surprised by some facts near the tanks, things he hadn’t even thought marine creatures were capable of, as sure, he was a scholar, but he hadn’t honestly researched that much about fauna outside of pollinators and possible plant massacrating creatures.

Tatsuya also offered his own facts, which mostly consisted of looking at the animals and offering silly little appreciations of them. 

“This one looks like my pops.” Tatsuya said at one point as they stared at a particularly ugly fish, and Jun had to stop himself from cackling too loud.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


In the darkness of the manta ray tank, Jun took himself a moment to simply stare at Tatsuya, committing to memory each angle and curve of his face, letting his absolutely lovestruck smile shine through the comfortable silence they had. 

Tatsuya broke the whole atmosphere, however, to give the best appreciation so far. “They look like pancakes.”

  
  
  
  
  


_Oh, this man._

  
  


Jun laughed out loud. “Are you hungry, perhaps?”

Tatsuya nodded, and grabbed Jun’s arm to get them somewhere with edible stuff.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The line became thinner.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


When they parted ways, this time, Jun took a little risk.

“I’ll text you, Tatsuya.” At Tatsuya’s surprised expression, he simply gave him a little grin.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**“I had a great time, Jun.”** Was the text that welcomed him when he got home, and oh, he loved how _close_ that sounded.

  
  


He hoped he'd hear it from Tatsuya's lips next time. 

His name, with no other metaphorical walls to separate them, possibly in more than one context.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seriously. All buildings should come with a place to put flower pots in.
> 
> An special shout-out to @ Sloshering on Tumblr, for having made this beautiful art of chapter 3!:
> 
> https://sloshering.tumblr.com/post/637216944797483008/jun-bundled-in-8-layers-and-still


	5. The bookstore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A hug.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, happy holidays everyone! I hope everyone is staying safe! Here's a little gift from me to you all, more fic!

The script called for blue skies and ever growing green fields, but for those to exist, the night and the bare soil had to have been there first.

  
  


As Jun’s gloves went through the composting pile in a small corner of his garden, he wondered if the writer of this script had left the existence of death itself there just because it was absolutely necessary for life, or if they actually enjoyed its presence. 

Autumnal Sun fell over his black hair and over the black pile, as he sorted through the different layers to make sure the dry and the wet were in perfect balance, and he would actually have fertilizer, instead of a pile of rotten death, or useless dry flakes. Tragedy needed sprinkles of comedy for its catharsis to work, worms needed a good enough soil for them to do their job, magnolias needed their nutrients for them to grow big and strong.

Jun, in his case, felt like his own layers were being sorted through since he had met Tatsuya. He had discovered he had been unbalanced all this time, dry soil that needed death to bloom once more, blood to feed his roots, anger to be whole, something he hadn’t been aware of until he was, and now wouldn’t leave the back of his mind.

Instead, the anger spoke a lot.

Winter was approaching, fast and unforgiving, and as the holiday season felt closer and closer, while they didn’t mean much to him, he wondered how he would spend them.

The thought of being with his family brought out the anger.

It murmured under his conversations with his mother, cold and unforgiving, criticizing every small aspect, bringing up scenarios that were impossible yet felt more true than the ones he was experiencing in reality.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


He wondered how Tatsuya was going to spend Christmas.

  
  


The parasitic anger in his head felt calmer when thinking about him. 

  
  


Loving.

Maybe a little manic, even.

As he rose up he took note of the old jeans on his figure and the grey gardening shirt, things that made him far less an enigma and more of a person, the simple man under the coiffed image. 

He wondered if Tatsuya would like him if he saw him like this, shifting through layers of decay and covered in dirt, or if sweet elegant Jun was as far as his allure went, the known canons of romance and the femenine manner in which he presented, the pretty floriography and neat horoscope notes, instead of the hard work and sharp angles, the dirt and the worms.

Hidden sides of Jun that lately seemed to want to burst out of him and mix with the others, the want to be more extravagant, less sickly and fragile, but instead turn into an anger pyre, an elegant dagger, a man who could grab his lover’s face and bring it towards his own. 

  
  


Lover was a strong word.

Yet it felt fitting.

  
  
  
  


“He texted me today.” He told his flowers, who were protected from the upcoming cold. “Asked me if he could see me this afternoon, after his classes were done.” He didn’t have to go to class today himself. 

One of his salvias smiled. He smiled back at her. “He must think of me as often as I do. Or at least I’m a great conversational partner, because he hasn’t stopped talking to me.” She couldn’t bring him answers, but he didn’t need them either.

  
  


Being Tatsuya’s friend was more than enough. 

  
  


It had to be.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**“Hey. I’m done with class. (*´ω｀*) Where do you wanna meet?”** He grabbed his fluffiest jacket, and moved forwards.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Jun.”  _ Oh, he wouldn’t get tired of hearing his name through those lips.  _

He raised his head towards him, cocking an eyebrow. Tatsuya was holding up a book from the other side of the store, a beautiful thing in faux blue velvet ( _ What a vibrant color _ ) and golden letters, which seemed to be all about astrology, wiggling his eyebrows with an otherwise completely serious face. In delight, Jun made a beeline towards the book, staring at it in awe. “Oh, this is- this is beautiful.” He grabbed it from Tatsuya’s hands and opened it excitedly, his movements fast yet careful as he went through pages and pages of beautiful illustrations and accurate (to the astrology community, that is,) information. 

He had gotten so immersed in the content of what Tatsuya had found that he didn’t notice what was happening around him, giving him almost a  _ heart attack _ when he heard Tatsuya’s deep voice so close to him, and even worse when a  _ subtle weight settled over his head. _

  
  


_ What- _

“Christmas is coming up, right?” Asked the man that was trying to kill Jun Kashihara in the back of a bookstore. 

_ Holy fuck. _

The size of the shudder that went through him was big enough to make his trembling noticeable, and the hitch in his breath didn’t help. They were at the back of the store, in a place that would be difficult to notice by those passing by, removed enough for something like this to go unnoticed, surrounded by books on astrology and the occult. 

While Tatsuya didn’t care that much about reading, he did confess he had a few favorites, poetry and futurism, most of them having in common happy endings (or at least not too depressing), and that he enjoyed reading in english, as he was fluent enough to do so. Jun, from his part, did enjoy reading a lot more, from literature classics to the odd trashy young adult novel, having a soft spot for psychological horror, trashy romance, and the purely educational. However, what they both had in common was that they were curious creatures, and that elaborate markings and well done book covers were pretty attractive.

Which is really how they ended up there, in a bookstore a little removed from the rest of the commercial street, known for having a wide variety of topics, and a lot of, as Tatsuya had eloquently put it,  _ pretty books. _

And this one was very pretty, it surely was- and oh, Tatsuya’s body against him as he browsed was a treat on its own. 

“Well, yes- Tatsuya..?” The warmth enveloping him was  _ so lovely.  _ His voice felt a little weak, born from the sheer panic and excitement of not only being with his crush, but said crush being comfortable enough with him to put his head over his own. He felt like he could melt, a pleasant heat coiling in his stomach the more he remained there, the desire to wrap his arms around him fully and press their bodies together becoming more and more alluring. 

However, his little shuddering stunt didn’t go unnoticed, Tatsuya quickly putting some distance between them, not enough for the warmth to be lost, but enough for Jun to brush him off if needed.

_ Had he been too obvious? _

Perhaps Tatsuya had stepped into his overly familiar platonic bonding role and had been surprised by the perverted way Jun had taken it. 

Maybe he had freaked him out.

_ Oh no maybe he had freaked him out. _

_ Had he been too obvious? _

_ Did his attraction make him uncomfortable? _

_ Did his shiver betray how Jun felt about him? _

_ What was he going to do? _

**_Was he about to get utterly and absolutely rejected?_ **

**_What was he going to do?!-_ **

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Uh. Are you uncomfortable?” His voice betrayed worry, small and quiet.

_ Wait what. _

  
  
  


Jun hadn’t taken his eyes from the book, still a little frozen from the contact, but quickly scrambled to shake his head and put himself together enough to do anything that would possibly keep Tatsuya’s body close to his own. 

“No! No. Please continue reading with me?” He didn’t turn his head, too afraid that his pleasant shock would be interpreted as negative mortification instead. The warmth in the pit of his stomach remained, but was quickly being replaced by anxiety the more seconds Tatsuya didn’t answer, until he turned his head to look at him.

He was standing back, eyes full of concern, fully away from Jun’s personal space, awkwardly shifting.

_ Oh, Tatsuya.. _

  
  
  


“Are you sure?” Tatsuya asked, one of his hands seemingly looking for  _ something  _ in his pocket. 

“Of course! You didn’t scare me, Tatsuya, you just startled me.”

“But-”

_ It seemed he would have to be a little more honest, then. _

“You startled me, but I liked it, you’re warm, please read with me?”  _ Please? _

Tatsuya awkwardly stepped forward. “I thought I had scared you.”

“You didn’t!”

“But you-”

“You didn’t, Tatsuya, I swear.”

His eyes stared straight at Jun’s, slowly softening once more.

“You uh. Looked huggable.”

_ Holy fuck that’s adorable.  _ He couldn’t stop the little grin breaking through his features at that moment, nor the slight heat on his face from it, and by now Jun was beginning to wonder if Tatsuya was actually actively flirting with him, or if he was just  _ that  _ oblivious to the way his words could be interpreted. 

“Do you hug all your friends in public often?” He cocked his head, grin growing wider against his will, but the way Tatsuya was reacting was too cute for him not to do something about it.

  
  


The line that separated them came up in Jun’s head, however.

If he was misreading this, it could be a  _ disaster. _

He had nothing to be scared of in the  _ ‘being outed as gay thanks to his own actions’ _ department, but he could be rightly terrified in the  _ ‘being outed as having a crush on Tatsuya’ _ department. 

Tatsuya stiffened at his question.

“Uh.” 

Jun’s smile faltered.

_ Oh no. _

Tatsuya broke eye contact.

_ Oh God he misread it. Oh fuck. _

So, apparently Jun’s social skills were lacking, because apparently he had interpreted an overly familiar person as romantic! Great! 

Maybe the guy was trying to see if he liked the same gender using Jun as a way to measure what he felt and now he had made it awkward! 

Maybe Tatsuya was straight and touchy and now he made it weird! He had planned to ask that later!

He opened his mouth, and Jun got ready for the most ridiculous rejection he could get in his life.

  
  


He felt his hands twitch against his will.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“I- uh. I hug the ones that are special.” Tatsuya mumbled, and  _ oh, wasn’t that a fucking  _ **_relief!_ **

He visibly exhaled out a shaky breath, closing his eyes and putting the book down before he flinged it somewhere. “Thank God, I thought I had made it weird.”

“What.. why weird? I was the one hugging you?” Tatsuya, on the other hand, sounded absolutely confused.

“I- thought I had been inappropriate. With the teasing.”

“Huh?”

“Just.” Jun shook his head, as there was no way to properly salvage the moment with words. Instead, he simply stepped forward, and did what he had wanted to do for a while now. He simply put his arms around Tatsuya’s waist, careful not to make his eager hands wander or his more.. inappropriate side of himself act up, and hugged him close.

Now, it was time for Tatsuya to tense up. For a moment they stood there, weirdly confused about each other’s intentions, at the same time a little worried of being caught in the middle of what really was a very out of place public display of affection, but he hugged Jun back tightly, a lot tighter than before, and if Jun had felt any confusion about his feelings before, now all he felt was that he was going to melt all over this man at any moment.

_ Oh, he was  _ **_strong!_ **

The interaction ended as soon as it started, but the little squeeze to his upper back had felt delightful, and great, now Jun wasn’t going to be able to keep his hands to himself anymore, wonderful.

( _ He wondered how harshly Tatsuya could grip him, if he could grab him with enough need to leave behind little fingerprint marks on his pale skin. The sheer idea made Jun want to ask for it, do anything that would trigger such a reaction on this man, make him leave as many little marks on the pristine canvas that was his body for him to admire even if the other was gone. Jun’s mouth watered at the simple thought. _ )

Tatsuya was smiling the moment they separated, cheeks the deepest crimson Jun had seen on him. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Apparently teasing and longer hugs couldn’t break the line.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


And boy, wasn’t Jun going to take as much advantage of that as he could.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


He felt as he had done this before, but the thought of doing so again thrilled him, for some reason.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


That night, he dreamt of two people hugging each other desperately as they silently cried, for they knew the end of their time together was breathing down their necks, and no matter how much they reassured each other out loud, they knew they wouldn’t see each other on the other side.

  
  
  
  
  
  


They never even got to have their first kiss together.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Leaves made a satisfying crunch when Jun stepped on them as he made his way to class. 

He had his phone in one hand and a cup of black coffee on the other, texting Tatsuya once more, something quick and silly to wish him good luck for the day, as he had told Jun it would be a stressful time. He wasn’t too worried for Tatsuya’s answer, as it was a busy day for him, so instead Jun busied himself with social media.

Scrolling through Instagram, he saw an odd little meme, and couldn’t help but grin, as it seemed oddly fitting for their current relationship. 

In his mind the idea of sending Tatsuya a screenshot of it popped up. It was a bit inappropriate, but not that big of a deal. Something that wouldn't disturb the line between them too much, he hoped. 

Sure, it was a risk, but it could still be taken as platonic, couldn't it? It was just teasing!

  
  
  
  
  


Who was he kidding, it couldn't be seen as anything but flirting. 

  
  
  


But he was sure Tatsuya wouldn't mind, he hadn't minded other things, and it wasn't as if he was saying anything  _ that  _ inappropriate or lewd. 

_ And besides, who said he couldn’t have a little bit of fun? _

  
  
  
  
  


He could take the risk.

  
  


**“Every gay boy has a straight friend he treats like his boyfriend.”**

It was a silly little thing, an exaggerated, although slightly accurate, portrait of at least how others saw them, featuring a simple cartoon drawing, and written in a font that, while not overtly silly by itself, with the content of the text and the attached drawing, made him laugh.

He had told Michel about the time they went out for dinner, and said over and over it had been a platonic affair, yet Michel kept teasing him, asking when exactly they were going to get together, and if so, he wanted to have a little chat with Tatsuya, to warn him about not hurting Jun. His mother, too, saw his and Tatsuya’s relationship as something way less than platonic, asking Jun more than once if he was going to  _ spend christmas with his boyfriend,  _ to which Jun had to reply, more than once, that probably not, as they weren’t romantically involved, only for it to fall on deaf ears and big grins.

It took a while for Tatsuya to even see it, and by the time he did, he was already finishing his coffee and entering campus, which is why spitting it all over himself would’ve been devastating for his reputation, that being the only thing stopping him from doing so the moment he saw his reply, eyebrows dramatically shooting up and his eyes opening way wider than usual.

  
  
  
  
  
  


Well, there was the answer for what he had been wondering.

  
  
  
  


**“(´∩｡• ᵕ •｡∩`) *Bi. And I don’t really mind.”**

_ Now wasn't that good news? _

He looked around the empty hallway he had entered through, taking a moment to scan it fully in case there were witnesses. 

The moment he saw there weren’t, he let himself grin as wide as his face wanted, throwing his hand with the phone in the air for a moment, letting the absolute  _ glee  _ inside his chest burst out and cover him, silently giggling to himself. 

He had a chance, it seemed.

**“Oh, you don’t? If I were you I wouldn’t say that. You don’t know how far I can take it.”**

Oh, his face was hurting from the way he was smiling. But really, he couldn’t help it. This was  _ excellent  _ news.

Now there was the task to know if Tatsuya liked  _ him.  _ But knowing he  _ biologically could,  _ was honestly a huge step forward. He had to cover part of his face with one hand to stop himself from looking too manic in case anybody saw him, giggles still filtering through, which worsened when Tatsuya replied, and made things even worse.

**“I don’t mind if you take it further.”**

To say he had a particularly good day in class would be an understatement. Why his hand was more often on his face to cover his mouth, was nobody’s business but his own. 

  
  


The line was still there, but at this rate, Jun would take a pair of metaphorical scissors and cut it if this kind of turn in their conversations continued.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


When the euphoria of the new discovery subsided and he finally crashed back in reality, however, he wondered what exactly he wanted.

  
  


Ruin a friendship where he felt fully like himself? No offense to Michel or Miyabi, but they had drifted away from Jun’s life pretty much, and sure, now he had picked up his friendship with Michel once more, but how long would that last before they drifted apart again? They weren’t in the same college, they hadn’t met up for a long while now, Jun had begun considering getting a part time job.

He only spoke consistently with Tatsuya. 

And sure, they could date. Or simply hook up.

And then what?

There was something in his chest he couldn’t get rid of, this sensation that getting anywhere near him, especially sexually,  _ was a horrible idea. _

The parasite in his head seemed absolutely  _ elated  _ every time he got near Tatsuya, the pain getting especially worse in moments when he thought of them involved romantically, as thoughts cascaded in erratic ways, Tatsuya’s name gleefully,  _ maniacally  _ repeated over and over, the selfish thought of having him close, nearby,  _ safe,  _ kissing him until both couldn’t breathe, things he couldn’t do before--

Before  _ what? _

It was left unsaid.

  
  
  


Them together, felt like an inherently selfish idea. Even entertaining it.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


  
  
  


That night, he took a walk, and ended up in Araya Shrine, sitting on its steps and looking at the constellations above his head. 

  
  
  
  
  


_ Was it worth it to keep going? _

Their friendship was an inkstain in the script. More ink could make the paper brittle, fragile, making a little hole where new, yet old, words could seep through. 

More ink could break a page. Even more could break the entire script.

  
  


His selfishness could damn them all.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_ Was it worth it? _

  
  
  


When he took a look around everything surrounding him, the shrine, the trees, the sky, the emptiness in his soul at the mere idea of losing Tatsuya, the anxiety and fear that came from continuing their relationship, he wondered if he really was going to be selfish once more.

  
  
  
  


The shrine begged him not to.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


But alas, Jun was an inherently selfish creature.

**“Well then.. Tatsuya, would you like to meet up this week?”**

**“I’d love to. ( ꈍᴗꈍ)”**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There used to be this huge bookstore in my city which I totally believed was super haunted, and scared some highschool friends when we went there because we were all in our mystery searching phase. Good times. It closed, though, which is a shame.


	6. The christmas gift

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They spend christmas together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You thought you had only one chapter this christmas? SIKE! It was two chapters after all!! Look at them, spending christmas together.

It was too soon to be in love. Way too soon.

But Jun’s heart couldn’t stop racing the moment the words on his screen properly registered, a deep mania inside of him both breaking his body apart and remaking it whole. He wanted to scream, dance around, and he hadn’t noticed the way he had been maniacally laughing until about two minutes later, when his chest began to burn. 

It couldn’t be love.

It couldn’t.

_It couldn’t!_

“I’m, _hah,_ I’m not in love. No. Not at all.” He let out another laugh as he mumbled to himself, hands clutching the base of his neck lightly, enough to bring himself some comfort from the foreign sensation taking over his body. 

He was _absolutely elated,_ and he wasn’t exactly sure what to do about it. The amount of joy under his veins felt both amazing and worrying, a sensation he had never, ever, experienced before. 

  
  
  
  
  


_Right?_

  
  
  


He had laughed it all out, but the grin on his features remained, and so did the feeling inside of him, at least in a slightly less manic version. 

The source of his happy little freakout?

**“Hey Jun. ⊙﹏⊙ I don’t know how to ask you this? So Anna helped me. (ꏿ﹏ꏿ;) She says hello, by the way. Wait, no. She says ‘Hey, flower boy’, and intimidated me into telling you exactly that. Sorry.”**

**“Tatsuya! Say hello to Yoshizaka-san from me right back! What is it you wanted to ask me? You know I don’t mind any questions from you.”**

**“It’s about tomorrow. (ꏿ﹏ꏿ;)”**

**“Christmas? What about it?”**

**“Okay so. You, me.”**

**“Us.”**

**“Do you wanna spend Christmas together? (๑•﹏•)”**

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Reading it again made Jun both incredibly angry that his mother was right, and incredibly happy that indeed, she was. 

He. He wanted to spend Christmas together. 

_Together!_

**_Christmas!_ **

  
  
  


**“I’d love to, Tatsuya!”** Was an incredibly bland answer that couldn’t, in any shape or form, express the way his own body had almost split thanks to the sheer mania experienced just a few minutes before. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Having dinner with his mother that night was incredibly awkward. 

She kept looking at him with a knowing look so intense it made Jun want to hide behind his meal ( _or perhaps more accurately, scream at her until his lungs gave out about how she couldn’t redeem herself, no matter how much she tried, she was always going to be the villain, she was always going to be a fucking life ruiner, he was fucked up thanks to her,_ **_thanks to her his life was a mess, that and a father that died and left him with that piece of shit that made him into a megalomaniac murderer, he was abandoned, left behind to rot, and now she gets to be his loving mother? NOW SHE GETS TO BE GOOD TO HIM?! SHE HAD A CHANCE! SHE HAD A FUCKING CHA-_ **), and not tell her anything. 

The violent thoughts kept going on in the back of his mind, but he tuned them out as violently as they came, ripping them apart. _How dare they talk like that about his mother._

( _The feeling seemed real, though._ )

It wasn’t. 

It couldn’t be.

She loved him. Always had.

And he wouldn’t accept himself thinking otherwise. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


( _He really should._ )

  
  
  


“So, sweetie, what are you doing tomorrow? Your father and I are most likely spending it here, perhaps we’ll go have cake at some point. If you have no other plans, you can join us.”

At first he didn’t answer, something that turned her teasing smile into a worried look. “Jun..?” She put her hand gently against his face, the sudden cold touch making him flinch violently backwards. “Did something happen?”

Her skin against his own felt odd, _unnatural,_ and the flinch had been against his will, but the guilt he felt from rejecting her touch was greater, and he quickly shook his head. “I- no mother, you’re just.”

Her eyes were so beautiful, so full of motherly worry.

“Your hand is cold, that’s all.”

She raised her eyebrows and moved backwards, seemingly relieved, offering him a small smile as she raised her hand towards her face, exaggeratedly flinching herself. “Oh, I am! Would you look at that. I’m sorry, sweetie.”

He shook his head with his own little smile, and decided to finally say it. “I’m. I’m spending Christmas with Suou-san, mother.” At this confession, her smile grew into a triumphant grin from being right in all her teasing. 

“I knew it! Oh, sweetie, I’m so proud of you. I’ll do your makeup for tomorrow, I suppose?” The more she spoke the more smug she sounded.

“I.. Yes.” It was spending _Christmas_ with Tatsuya, and he was going to get there looking as dolled up and enticing as he possibly could. After all, if their current joke was to continue, he would need to step it up a notch. Tatsuya himself said he didn’t mind if Jun escalated things, something that he had yet to take advantage of mainly out of fear of completely fucking up the friendship they had and accidentally make the joke into a very uncomfortable situation. 

But this man had asked him to spend _Christmas,_ a holiday in Japan for couples, with him. 

Alone, with him, with hints of having been nervous to ask him in the first place.

If this wasn’t flirting, Jun didn’t truly know what it could possibly be.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


His mother asked him to dress up first, then she would, apparently, _work her magic._ Simple, really. He was ready to contradict himself and end up freaking out for hours, perhaps even arriving late to his meeting with Tatsuya, but.

  
  


The moment he was in front of the closet, it turned out to be a lot easier than expected.

The contrast between black, white and gold was fun to combine, using both items he was used to and comfortable in, like the absolutely _fluffy_ white coat and matching hat or the shiny golden jewelry and details, and items he was still slightly scared of, like the black turtleneck he had recently bought on impulse, or the combination of elongating black pants and platformed black boots. 

_The manic and the calm both wanted to be there for his first ever Christmas with Tatsuya, after all._

  
  
  


His mother did his eyeliner with precision, despite his silent protests of how uncomfortable it felt, added lines of gold to both his eyelids and made his highlighter particularly neat, all while he was wondering why exactly he was currently subjecting himself to this. 

How some people wore eyeliner every day, he didn’t know. 

But damn if the result wasn’t good. He stared at himself in the mirror, then at his mother, then at the mirror once more, blinking a couple of times to make sure he was seeing alright. “Thank you.” He whispered, still in awe of resembling more a vengeful catholic angel than the sickly man he knew he was. His rosy lips had mostly been left alone, only a hint of gloss on them to make them look plumper than they already were, while all the drama was on his amber eyes. His mother smiled proudly behind him, both her hands on his shoulders, imposing over him like she had always done, but instead of surrounding him with her shadow, she simply was supporting his light. 

“If he doesn’t fall in love with you after this, sweetie, he isn’t worth it.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


He made sure to take a picture and send it to Michel, too, to prove he had actually dolled himself up for once.

  
  


**“HOLY SHIT. Jun! Look at you, baby, you look amazing!”**

**“Thank you, Michel.”**

**“And why don’t you do this more often?”**

**“Because I need to impress you somehow.”**

**“Impress moi? Pfft. Save that for your man!”**

**“Hey, friends can be impressed too.”**

**“Jun, I already know you’re hot shit. Everybody knows you’re hot shit. It’s up to you to know that too!”**

**“That’s sweet of you.”**

**“And if that Suou fucker makes you cry somehow, hit me up, and Miyabi and I will kick his door down and beat the shit out of him. She says hi, btw.”**

**“Hello, Miyabi-san! And he isn’t my boyfriend, Michel, how is he supposed to make me cry exactly?”**

**“Yet, dude. Yet! And you better let me talk to him.”**

**“Fine, if by some miracle we start dating, I will.”**

**“You better! Merry christmas, dude.”**

**“Merry Christmas, Michel.”**

Before Jun left, he stared at himself once more. Something was missing. 

As if something had possessed him, he went to his garden and carefully cut three primroses, gently placing them on the front pocket of his jacket, fiddling with them until they were securely attached. 

  
  
  
  


He hadn’t worn flowers with his outfits in literal years.

  
  
  


But doing it this time, somehow, 

  
  
  
  


Somehow felt right to him. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It seemed the effort had been worth it. 

Jun walked to the meeting place alone, after having denied his mother taking him. He just needed to be by himself for a moment, overthink if he needed to. 

Snow fell slowly, gentle flecks surrounding him and blending into his hat and coat, only truly visible in the black scarf covering his neck and lower part of his face, threatening to get caught on the lip gloss he was wearing. He spent more time overthinking what if the scarf caught on his gloss than actually thinking about his meeting with Tatsuya, which really was a blessing, as his need to overthink things would possibly have ruined his mood otherwise. 

He had the urge to check his phone more than once, but decided against it, instead taking a moment to stop and watch the view around him. The trees had already lost most of their leaves, instead blanketed in a light dusting of charming frost, the afternoon air a blue grey hue that made the sight charming instead of depressing, or perhaps Jun was too excited for him to see anything sad at the moment. As he made his way through buildings and shadows of people that only barely resemble human beings the way they used to before, he began to realise _where exactly_ had Tatsuya asked them to meet.

  
  
  
  


He quickened his pace slightly, and had to finally take out his phone to make sure it really was supposed to be there. It was. 

  
  


The mania inside of him wanted to scream out loud. 

  
  
  


_Holy shit._

_No way._

_No fucking way._

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Tatsuya had asked him to meet at an ice skating rink. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


A fucking ice skating rink.

  
  
  
  
  
  


Was this a date? It had to be.

There was no way this was anything but a date.

  
  
  


He wasn’t smiling, but he sure as hell wanted to, finally breaking into one the moment he saw Tatsuya freeze up and gawk at him on the other side of the street. He raised an arm for him to say hello, but Tatsuya had yet to answer, simply staring owlishly back at him.

But honestly? He felt the same way, staring at the man in front of him in a sharp red leather jacket and a v neck shirt underneath, the leather giving him an edgier vibe than usual, reminding him that despite his sweetness he was a very intimidating man, making Jun’s knees just a little bit weak at the reminder.

_Oh, he was_ **_so_ ** _handsome._

_Handsome enough for Jun to want to crash his lips against his, kiss him over and over until Tatsuya’s lips were coated in Jun’s lipgloss and keep going, make Tatsuya blush and grip him tightly, tight enough for him to gasp and want more, crash their bodies together-_

_Ugh._

_He wanted to do it so badly._

But Jun was, amongst many things, a little shit, so he decided to tease him a little bit before fawning all over him like his nether regions were demanding.

“Earth to Tatsuya?” He amusedly said the moment they saw each other eye to eye, lifting up his head and grinning at him. He put his hand in his pocket, feeling the little gift he had gotten Tatsuya. 

It wasn’t much, not really, if it was for Jun he would’ve gotten him half of the entire world, but he had wanted to keep his feelings as lowkey as he could despite their running boyfriend joke. 

He had gotten it the day after his freakout in Araya Shrine, after resolving to be a selfish bitch, despite the feeling inside himself that what he was doing could be his and Tatsuya’s doom. 

The gift? Both an inside joke and a soft insinuation, not enough to freak him out hopefully. 

It was a poetry book, experimental in style but with an uplifting message, horrific in its vocabulary but with a sensibility Jun had found Tatsuya to have at times, combined with illustrations that, while absolutely surreal and in the border of being about horror, somehow, felt right.

He had checked for the prettiest edition of it he could find, with the fullest colors and a hardback cover, and made sure to read it all, to make sure it truly had only hopeful and good endings. It was by a foreign author, a woman with long hair and all black clothes who was from somewhere in the world Jun had absolutely no idea about until he researched her, and had only recently been translated to Japanese. 

He wondered if she was aware the book she had written came off as about someone who happened to be queer. 

He wondered if she was aware she had created something truly special.

He wondered if Tatsuya would like it.

  
  
  


He gripped it just a little bit tighter.

  
  
  
  
  


“You look beautiful.” Tatsuya blurted out, and his thought train was completely and utterly destroyed by that single bullet.

_Oh, Tatsuya._

He could feel himself gawking at the man in front of him, shoulders relaxing as he stared up at him feeling what he could only describe as _warmth_ coating him. 

  
  


“Thank you.” He was brought back to reality by that single sentence, taking a moment to subtly rock on his platforms and try to detangle something PG out of the mace of thoughts that came around seeing him. “You look very handsome yourself.”

He blushed so delightfully easy, it made Jun let out a manic little giggle, which he quickly stiffled behind his free hand, awkwardly breaking any sort of elegant image he had thanks to how fucking ugly and crazy his laugh was. One thing was his practiced laughter, sweet and easy to palate, another thing was the laughter that came straight up from the parasite in his head, letting through just how horrible the being’s mental state truly was. 

( _Could parasites even have their own thoughts?_ )

( _Yes, they fucking could._ )

But Tatsuya simply cocked his own head, a ghost of a smile on his lips, cheeks utterly crimson. “Your real laughter.” He acknowledged.

“What..” _What._

_Had he noticed?_

“It’s pretty. I never told you before.”

**_What._ **

“You- you don’t have to lie to me, Tatsuya. I know it’s ugly.”

He shrugged. “I don’t think so. It’s yours.”

In the midst of his utter confusion on how the fuck Tatsuya found his laughter anywhere near pretty, he missed a key detail on what he had said.

  
  
  
  


The mania inside of him didn’t.

  
  
  
  
  


“Uh. I. Thank you.”

Tatsuya nodded at him, and quickly shoved a package on Jun’s chest without saying much else. 

_Oh, that had been behind his back!_

The size of the gift on his hands felt awfully familiar, and the moment he realized, Jun was two seconds from making his kissing fantasy a reality, because if this man was truly gifting him what Jun was thinking he was gifting him, he was going to have to suffer the cherry flavored consequences. 

  
  
  


He quickly, yet as neatly as possible, opened the white packaging.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


So, where was the nearest dark corner they could find?

  
  
  
  


Jun’s heart swelled up as much as it could, and he felt his hands shake as he lifted the blue velvet astrology book, both wanting to cry, laugh, do _something,_ as he felt overwhelmed by not only the fact that Tatsuya had thought about him and his interests, but gifted him something that had come accompanied by such a sweet moment between them. 

He.

He felt loved.

“I-”

Tatsuya tensed up when he saw the way Jun’s face contorted into a pout, quickly trying to come and see what was wrong, only for Jun to latch onto him and wrap his hands around his neck, not giving a single shit who would be looking, take pictures, or whatever the fuck. He was overwhelmed, he really fucking liked this man, and apparently this man liked him too, as he wasted no time to grab Jun and hug him right back, taking the bold choice to lift him up slightly- _Holy fuck he was being lifted-_

If he had whimpered at that, no he hadn’t. 

He clung to Tatsuya, who lifted him further, silent laughter rumbling through his chest, and Jun felt at that moment like they were wearing too many layers between them, as that rumble made his entire body shudder, and he could only wonder just how it could possibly feel if they were both bare. Laughter broke through him, high and airy, for just that moment not caring too much just how ugly it was, instead focused on Tatsuya’s rough hands around him and how beautiful it felt to be held this way. 

The hug ended too soon, however, because as much as both men wanted to go on, public displays of affection in the middle of Japan weren’t exactly very well seen, and they weren’t in the middle of Tokyo’s Shinjuku Nichome either. Sure, Jun at first glance in this getup could pass as a woman, but if anyone looked at him for more than a second or heard him speak.. They didn’t want their evening ruined by someone, emboldened by heterosexuality, screaming what they shouldn’t.

He was still laughing when he was put on the ground, and with no elegance whatsoever he shoved his gift towards Tatsuya, who made a great effort to open it the way Jun had done, but quickly became frustrated and ripped it open. 

He stared at it, cocking his head and opening it, going through the pages and skimming over one of the poems. 

“It’s a happy poem.” He observed, seemingly fascinated by the illustration next to it, of a biblical angel, in its accurate form, finding a friend who wasn’t afraid of it. 

“They all are.” Jun couldn’t help his grin when Tatsuya’s interest was piqued, and he began trying to read the book then and there, to which Jun had to intervene, putting a single finger on the page. Tatsuya sheepishly looked up. 

“Sorry. It looks amazing, Jun. Thank you.”

The sincerity in his words made Jun’s heart soften.

Both gifts went into Jun’s bag, and with that, they made their way inside.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It had been a long time since the last time he had gotten anywhere near an ice skating rink. 

The place, being Christmas Eve, was _packed,_ full of people going their merry way through the ice, mostly couples, some barely standing up on the ice, others being so comfortable on it they could even chat while skating. 

The last time he had been in one of these, he had been with Michel, his band and Miyabi, all dicking around on the ice. So, a couple of years had passed.

But it seemed his body hadn’t forgotten about it, simply letting him comfortably slide through it. He felt lighter than he actually was this way, and while he didn’t attempt any flips, he moved through the white mass with speed and grace, not being able to stop the smile on his lips at doing so.

Tatsuya, meanwhile, wasn’t having such a merry time. Instead, he was holding onto the railing for his life, wide eyes staring down at the ice with absolute distrust, eyebrows pulled into the cutest frown he had ever seen on him. 

“Tatsuya.” He tried to get his attention. 

“Tatsuya..” He repeated, skating around him. Nothing.

He put his hand on the other’s finally, to grab him and pull him away from the railing. Only then did he snap his head up, sheepishly looking at Jun. 

“I’m uh. Weak to ice.”

“Then why did you choose an ice rink?” He grinned at him, their hands joined together as Tatsuya tried to balance and not fall to his doom. 

“It looked cool.”

_Cool?_

“Do you mean romantic?” He teased, hoping to appeal to the boyfriend joke rather than taken as seriously, despite him being deadly serious about it. 

However, it seemed he was up for a sweet surprise. Tatsuya’s face was absolutely red, as he quickly mumbled a “Yeah,” and in an act of either bravery or stupidity, wanting to hide away from what he had said, he left off by himself in the ice with a surprising power of balance, the kind that could only come in the dire situations of escaping one’s own cringe romantic feelings.

Okay, so. This _had_ to be a date. There was no way this wasn’t a date. But Jun didn’t ask, happy enough with knowing Tatsuya could actually like him, but not wanting to pressure him into saying anything. 

Their relationship, no matter where exactly it was going, even if it was going into a becoming a terrible idea, 

  
  


It was the best thing that had ever happened to Jun.

  
  
  
  


He wasn’t going to ruin it by whining _Is this a date?_ to him. No matter how much he wanted to ask. He simply laughed, and chased after him, to reassure him it was alright.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


They spent a couple of hours in the ice, and by then Tatsuya had gotten used to it, bold enough to move around in full circles by the end along with Jun. He had very good natural balance and reflexes, probably an after effect of spending so much time on a motorcycle, so after losing the initial fear, it was easy to get him used to it. They only stopped because they were hungry, to which Jun proposed they had dinner.

  
  
  


How dinner turned into them dicking around for two more hours through the city instead of eating, neither were sure, but they sure did that, looking around at stores and trying to find the silliest looking shirt they could. Jun triumphantly won the moment he held up a croptop that said _Fucking ass bitches_ , in badly written english, written with bubblegum pink letters over a knockoff drawing of My Melody and a white background. 

  
  


He bought it.

  
  
  
  
  
  


They finally settled inside a restaurant after some waiting time a while later, a western styled one, which had the cutest reindeer statue Jun had seen in his entire life outside. He actually even managed to make Tatsuya and himself pose with it and take a selfie, to the brunet’s embarrassment. And sure, the food was good, but the taste of joy Jun felt by simply being with this man was even better.

  
  


He felt loved, protected even, as his own homicidal glaring at those who dared look at the both of them was joined by Tatsuya’s own scary one.

  
  


He felt.

  
  


He felt like he wanted to do this for years to come.

  
  
  
  
  


One more hour of dicking around, and Jun finally let Tatsuya escort him home after they had ended up quite close to his neighborhood. The walk wasn’t that big of a deal, as Jun’s parents had finally found out about Tatsuya’s existence, and while the pain of having to say he was just a friend had been great, they weren’t the type to embarrass their son in front of others. “Thank you so much for tonight.” With a smile, Jun gave Tatsuya his gift once again so he could take him home, and turned towards his house.

But instead of simply leaving, Tatsuya remained there for a moment, shifting over and over. “I uh.”

Jun turned around. “Yes?”

He seemed to need a moment to gather his thoughts, so Jun waited patiently for him to speak.

  
  


“I.. think you’re great, Jun.”

  
  


_Oh?_

“I think you’re great too, Tatsuya.” He began shifting himself, as many ideas began crossing his mind over _where exactly_ Tatsuya was going with this, from rejection to making out in the middle of the street. 

“I..” He took a shaky breath. Jun waited, bracing himself for rejection, or whatever the fuck was going on in that beautiful head of his. “I had a lot of fun today with you.”

“Me too!” He expected Tatsuya to say something else, but he didn’t, instead simply coming closer and gently grabbing Jun, grip soft enough for him to leave if he wanted. When he didn’t leave, he tightened it. 

“I had a lot of fun with you too, Tatsuya.”

Both stayed in that grip for a while, simply rocking together and keeping each other close. For a few moments, Jun began debating whether or not to do something that had been in his mind for a while. Nothing big, nothing too much. But.

  
  
  
  
  


It could break the line.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Or at least badly damage it. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


He separated from Tatsuya for a moment. He got a curious look from the other, but Jun ignored it, in favor of gaining courage despite his subtle trembling, leaning up, and planting a kiss on his cheek. It was a peck, but firm and a lot harder than he had originally meant it, but it had taken a lot of self control not to go straight for the mouth, and keep it PG. 

His skin was a lot softer than he had expected, but as warm as he already knew it to be.

For a moment, Tatsuya froze. Jun gave his cheek another kiss, then another, and another, and then a couple more, until he realised he was veering into _desperately getting closer and closer to his mouth_ territory, and let go, sheepishly looking at the ground instead of at the other.

  
  
  
  


Before he got any response, he fucked right off and inside his house, saying nothing to anyone as he dived straight into his bed after washing his face, panic and second hand embarrassment coating his actions.

  
  
  
  
  


He only got enough courage the following morning to even look at his phone.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**“I didn’t mind, Jun.”**

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**“You didn’t?”**

**“Hey, good morning. (•ˇ_ˇ•)”**

**“Hello. Still, I’m sorry.”**

**“Don’t be, please.”**

**“You’re way too nice sometimes, you know? You can just tell me to fuck off, I won’t hold it against you, Tatsuya.”**

**“I’m being nice because I liked it. (｡・//ε//・｡)”**

  
  
  


He liked it.

  
  
  
  
  


_He liked it._

  
  
  


**_He liked it?_ **

  
  
  
  


**_Holy shit he liked it._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lipgloss is super sticky sometimes, especially the tinted ones. And then you get the stickiness off but the color remains. Wonder what that can be used for.


	7. Sleeping arrangements

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes people can't hang out for many reasons. But when they meet up, it's always special.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!! Happy New Year!!! I hope 2021 treats us all a lot better than the dreaded 2020!!!! Have some cutesy stuff!!!

He couldn't stop thinking about that Christmas he spent with Tatsuya.

He spent the following days trying not to let his mania take over him, but the more time passed the more he couldn't help but pepper in just a few more insinuations than usual in their conversations. 

He really didn't want to admit it, 

  
  
  
  
  


But he was falling in love. 

  
  
  


And he hated it.

( _And he loved it._ )

  
  
  


Tatsuya was simply too nice not to love, too sweet, too beautiful and _-ugh-_ too much. Jun melted at the wonderful sound of his laugh, grinned like an idiot at the sight of his face. His interests were incredibly interesting simply from the way he spoke so passionately about them.

  
  


Oh, he was in _deep._

But was he going to admit it?

_Ha!-_

  
  
  


_Well._

Actually he really wanted to, but was deadly scared that Tatsuya, even if it was obvious he somewhat liked him, wouldn't like him the same way _he_ liked him.

  
  


To be half liked was torture, after all.

  
  
  
  
  
  


So, he would take his time to reveal that any of his intentions were serious.

  
  


He could wait. 

  
  


_Right?_

  
  
  
  
  


The days after Christmas passed by a little like a blur, a liminal space in between the old and the new, New Years coming a lot sooner than either of them had expected, and while they couldn’t spend the festivities together, as it was a holiday for families, they made it a point to text each other and send each other so much stuff until Jun’s lovestruck smile was too obvious, and his mother grinned knowingly at him.

“You should’ve invited your boyfriend, sweetie. Your father and I would love to meet him.”

The urge planted in his head _to snap at her and tell her to shut the fuck up_ was strong, yet he managed not to, instead shaking his head and concentrating in what he had been eating. “He has a family to be with.”

His mother didn’t even seem to give a single shit about Tatsuya’s family life, simply rolling her eyes before launching into the next idea.

“Well, what about meeting him tomorrow after we visit the shrine?”

“I’m not sure how well that could be taken, mother. I believe his family wants him to be with them the entire day.”

Her eyes, the only expressive part of her cold mask looked utterly unimpressed, but shrugged, concentrating on her own meal, taking dainty bites.

  
  
  
  


However, this time he didn’t deny Tatsuya being his-

His _boyfriend._

_Oh, how did he wish that to be reality._

  
  
  


And lately, it seemed it could actually become real.

  
  


Or at least they had made some progress, and the joke had escalated.. a lot further than Jun had ever expected.

  
  


The first time they spoke about kissing each other came to the table as a little joke.

It had been a response to a picture he had sent Tatsuya, wearing that ugly crop top they had found, alongside a pastel pink jacket, grinning at the camera. The picture let some of his pale stomach and small waist be seen, exposing so much soft skin he had never shown the other before, or as much as it could be seen until his jeans began.

**“Oh, look, it’s the ugly shirt we got me together. How do I look?”** The intention had been to flirt, but he had _never_ expected the response he got back.

  
  
  
  


**“(๑♡⌓♡๑) Gorgeous. (｡♡‿♡｡) I could kiss you, if you let me. (´ . .̫ . `)”**

_Kiss..?_

_Kiss him?_

He almost dropped his phone at that, having to let out an audible little noise to try and calm himself down. So, he hadn’t been the only one fantasizing about that?

Wait, no. This was simply a joke. It had to be.

**“Oh? Stop it with the cutesy emojis, Tatsuya, or deal with the consequences.”** _Had.. had that been too forward? No, right?_

He tried not to freak out too much as Tatsuya began typing and then erased it a couple of times.

He hadn’t said anything too bad! Right?

This.. was this all a joke? Was Tatsuya being serious?

The idea of kissing him was driving him just a tad little crazy then and there, his mania spiking up and repeating Tatsuya’s name over, and over, and _over._

**“Anything you want. (｡・//ε//・｡)”** _Was this man for real?_

Jun was trying _so hard_ not to say something too out of line as a response. Anything could mean _so much_ after all.

**“Don’t say that, you’ll regret it.”**

**“I said what I said. Anything. (´ . .̫ . `)”** _If the idea of Tatsuya tied up and being at his mercy had now conjured up inside his head, this time it wasn’t Jun’s entire fault._

**“Stop it! I swear I’ll actually kiss you.”**

**“And that’s a bad thing for me because..?”**

  
  
  
  
  


The seed of the idea of Tatsuya being more than comfortable with breaking the line between them was now permanently planted inside of Jun’s mind.

  
  


It felt more like a formality than a real danger after that.

  
  
  


January’s cold was completely unforgiving, making Jun have to resort to the biggest amount of layers he possibly could get on himself. 

But at least their conversations kept him feeling warm inside. They couldn’t see each other for a while, as they were both incredibly busy once the new year began, but they made it a point to text each other at least once a day, send something nice, and every once in a while flirt a little. 

The idea of kissing each other had turned into a normal thing, too. 

Something to expect. 

And to Jun? It was beautiful. The joke that had begun it all was only occasionally brought up, but they already knew it was more an excuse to flirt than anything else.

  
  


_It seemed he wasn’t just half liked._

( _Duh,_ said the parasite, a creature that seemed to be taking over more and more of not only his mind, but his body now. He had recently found himself with greater reflexes than he’d ever had and Jun was beginning to get.. worried.)

( _That was his man right there. They loved each other,_ It insisted once more.)

He had begun looking for a job, ending up interested in a flower shop nearby his campus instead of trying out for an acting gig his mother kept trying to get him in, the place quiet and reserved, absolutely beautiful and packed of a great variety of specimens, but.

Well.

Between his responsibilities and Tatsuya’s, who was getting ready to become a full fledged part of the police, they didn’t see each other that much.

  
  
  
  


It did allow for a bit of desperation to seep in between their conversations, the idea of kissing more and more prominent.

  
  
  


In between the time they didn’t see each other, however, he did see Michel. 

It was a quite refreshing afternoon spent in his house playing video games and catching up, in which Jun told him about how things were going with Tatsuya, in between many other things.

He expressed to him the feeling inside his chest of wanting to be closer to him, no matter what.

  
  


“Dude, that just sounds like you’re smitten.” Michel grinned while he finished setting up his character.

He threw his head back, laughing, not caring if it sounded absolutely nuts. “That bad?”

“That bad!” Michel chuckled. “When are you two finally making out and getting over with it?”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


In February Tatsuya and Jun saw each other.

  
  
  


They had finally gotten an evening to themselves a few days before his birthday, Jun having proposed the idea of meeting up in front of his house and doing whatever came up to their minds.

  
  


He hadn’t expected Tatsuya to show up with his motorcycle, but he wasn’t going to complain about it, instead rushing to get his lilac coat and get out as fast as he could, yelling out at his father that he was leaving.

“Say hello to Suou-san from me!” He called back from the kitchen.

“I will!”

But he stopped for a moment, going back to the bathroom to retrieve his tube of cherry flavored lip gloss. It had looked amazing on him the other time he wore it, and even if he didn’t have a lick of makeup on otherwise, that little thing made him feel like this evening was.. _special,_ somehow.

Even if they were simply hanging out for a little while, as it was already quite late to be going out.

  
  
  
  
  
  


The moment they saw each other they clung to each other immediately, Tatsuya grabbing Jun and lifting him in his arms, kissing his cheek a couple of times, to which Jun could only gasp and grin widely, warmth flooding his entire body.

  
  
  
  
  
  


_Oh, he was in it deep._

  
  
  


If having those lips on his skin made him tremble just a little bit, no it didn’t.

  
  
  
  


  
  
  
  
  


When he was put down, Tatsuya asked where he wanted to go.

For a moment, the idea of going to Mount Iwato sounded like a great one.

But the sheer stab of absolute pain inside his head, sharp and impossible to ignore made him.. reconsider. 

“Would you like to go to the coast for a while?” He offered instead.

“Won’t you be cold?” Asked Tatsuya with concern, deep brown eyes sparkling in such a way they made Jun’s knees feel a little weak. 

He shook his head. “I’m bundled up enough to withstand a snowstorm.”

  
  
  
  


“Okay then.. Have you ever been on a motorcycle?”

When he said he hadn’t, Tatsuya’s face broke into the sunniest grin he had ever seen, confidence of being in his element exuding from him, far greater than Jun had _ever_ seen on him, even when talking about his beloved machines.

_As if he knew what he was doing a lot better than before._

  
  


“Okay, then you don’t have bad experiences from before. Great.” From inside the seat, which he had unlocked with a little key, he pulled out a second helmet, which looked.. oddly familiar, black with white details. He assumed it simply was because Tatsuya’s own helmet was black as well, not anything else. “Uh, some people get really scared of motorcycles because the driver sucks at it, but I promise you it’s safe. I’ve been doing this for years.”

  
  
  


“I trust you, Tatsuya.” He said confidently. _And he truly did._

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


And the ride had been more than pleasant indeed. Jun was a little scared at first, tightly grabbing the warm torso in front of him, but quickly relaxed when he saw there was no danger, and Tatsuya truly was a good driver.

  
  
  


He breathed a little easier once they were out of it, though. 

  
  


They sat down in between the highest rocks, away from the sea, yet close enough to see the waves in all their glory. 

And they talked.

  
  


About their days, about Jun’s new job and how some of his clients were absolute assholes who were trying to get a bouquet so their girlfriends shut the fuck up about something shitty they had done. About whatever came to mind, at one point Tatsuya went into a detailed rant about machinery and the way it had progressed these last few years.

( _“Hey, Tatsuya?”_

_“Mhm?”_

_“Why didn’t you choose to be a mechanic instead of a police officer?”_

_“I.” He stayed silent for a moment. “I guess I wanted to be like my father. Maybe help Kats.”_

_“I see.”_ )

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


When silence fell between them, it was comfortable.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Jun’s hands gently clung to Tatsuya’s dark grey shirt, both having laid down after a while, absentmindedly drawing circles on the fabric, his eyes fixated on the stars above them when the sky finally turned completely black.

They had been lucky to catch a clear night, the dome above them bright and beautiful, crystals making shapes only man could decipher, names Jun knew by heart because he had memorized them alongside his father. 

The heartbeat that resonated against his own body felt safe and familiar, but this time Jun didn’t want to question it, even if the back of his mind was plagued with images of a moment that didn’t exist, at least not there and then, of two children clinging to each other and watching the first star in the sky.

( _“That’s Lucifer!”_

_“Huh?”_

_His face contorted into a wide, excited grin. “My papa told me that western people think the first star in the sky's the devil! Isn’t that crazy? Like, before the devil became evil, he had first been the most beautiful angel of them all, and he was so bright they called him the morning star, or Lucifer! So that’s Lucifer right there, I think.”_

_Tatsuya nodded, looking at the small dot in the darkening sky with big wide eyes, before raising his chubby little arm, and waving._

_Jun laughed. “What are you doing?”_

_“Saying hello.”_

_“You shouldn’t say hello to the devil, Tatsuya! He could hurt you!”_

_“‘M not Christian, he can’t hurt me.”_

_Jun’s laughter got even louder, and he waved as well. If Tatsuya would do it, there was no reason he wouldn’t.)_

  
  
  


The stars were the only thing that hadn’t changed in this script.

  
  
  
  
  
  


He lifted his head and turned towards Tatsuya after a moment. 

“We should get going, it’s getting late.” He mumbled, despite not really wanting to move. In reply he got a little rumble, and an arm bringing Jun’s body closer to his own. 

  
  
  
  


It seemed he didn’t want to move either.

  
  
  


But they had to, as Tatsuya would have to take Jun home and then go to his own house, and if he did that too late at night, Jun would be incredibly worried the whole time, a sentiment he softly voiced. 

His eyes took in Tatsuya’s relaxed face, who turned towards Jun with a small smile, the gesture making his heart skip just the tiniest bit. “We could uh. You could come over if you want.” His cheeks got increasingly darker as he said it, but he didn’t look away, eyes still remaining on Jun’s, their faces just a little bit closer. 

He..

_Had he heard that right?_

He tensed up, the feeling of warm excitement filling his chest and making him have to put a hand on his chest to try and stop his heart from racing.

But he didn’t look away from Tatsuya, whose smile seemed to be growing just a tad more playful.

“I- yeah. I’d love to.”

The arm around Jun tightened further, gently rubbing his back. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The line tensed up.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


He couldn’t do this anymore.

  
  


He _had_ to say something about all of this.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


About them.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“You know I’m getting all the wrong signals here if you want to simply be friends, right? I’m being serious.” Jun chuckled softly and took the initiative himself to climb a little further over Tatsuya’s body, until most of his weight, except one of his legs, was on top of him. 

Those gorgeous eyes looked away, his smile growing the widest Jun had ever seen on him. “You’re getting the right ones.” He mumbled, and gently, as gently as he could possibly do it, he put his hands on Jun’s waist, hoisting him up so they were face to face, Jun’s hair falling downwards over Tatsuya’s skin.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


They stared at each other for a moment, when Tatsuya got brave enough to do so. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Even with confirmation, this was terrifying.

  
  
  
  
  
  


But he wanted this. His heart was racing, his breathing had gotten shallow. "Really..? Then you wouldn't mind if I kissed you."

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The mania inside of him was impatient, it wanted Tatsuya, sweet, _gorgeous Tatsuya,_ he had fought for this, paid with his own life, with his own blood sweat and _tears, and_ **_fuck, he was right there, right fucking there, the love of his fucking life, the man that drove him crazy, his brave Leo, the man that had saved him, who had protected him, his best friend, his doppelganger, his equal, his Tatsuya, Tatsuya, Tatsuya, Tatsuya-_ **

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


( _Please kiss him. Please._ )

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


His hands twitched against his will. Tatsuya’s own hands twitched as well.

  
  
  
  
  


Jun felt a little out of control in that moment, his body slightly split in two, two intertwined messes between the monster and the potential, the lover and the best friend, the mania and the calm, and while Jun was trying to cope with the otherworldly feeling, he almost missed the deep chuckle Tatsuya let out.

“Of course not.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Tatsuya's fingers rubbed circles on the raised part of his lilac coat, over his sweater.

  
  
  
  
  


He wanted those rough fingers under the fabric. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Never.” Added Tatsuya, and the adoring grin that was shot his way had Jun’s heart absolutely melting, and the mania filling every nook and cranny of his being, the sensation of absolute _need_ grabbing all his senses.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


His Leo was _so_ beautiful, no matter the timeline.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“And what if I do it now?” He muttered, bringing his face just a tad closer. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


No matter the mess in his head, both Juns were in the agreement that they both wanted this. 

  
  
  
  


_Badly._

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


His Leo's face was a red mess.

  
  
  
  


“P-please do.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


And what was more beautiful out there than reciprocated need?

  
  
  
  


The line was now bothersome. 

  
  
  


So he grabbed the illusory scissors,

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Moved his hands to Tatsuya’s cheeks to steady him, 

  
  
  
  
  
  


tilted his own head, 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


and having taken a deep breath to gain enough courage to finally do the thing he had wanted for a while now,

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**He neatly cut the line.**

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


His lips were a lot softer than he had imagined.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


And also, the cherry lip gloss was a lot stickier than he had expected.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


  
  
  


It began as a little peck, as Jun's courage only came so far, but the gloss was sticky, sticky enough to keep their lips locked just a second longer, and his skin was so warm, and he smelled so good, and he had frozen up in the inherent shock of finally kissing each other, 

  
  
  
  
  
  


**and whatever sanity Jun had had in his mind was thrown the fuck out of the window.**

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_Finally, they got a reward for their efforts._

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Tatsuya snapped awake the moment Jun's lips began to move against his own. 

  
  


Before he knew it, Tatsuya was not only enthusiastically reciprocating, but with such a level of enthusiasm that made Jun's whole body shiver from the electricity that came with each contact, each deeper and deeper, the taste of artificial cherry being all he could taste. 

At one point the kiss turned desperate, as if it would be the last time and a privilege, as if Tatsuya was desperate to feel just a _little more affection._

_His inner mania was absolutely thrilled._

It overwhelmed Jun slightly, their kisses becoming open mouthed, each time he separated to let himself breathe being interrupted by Tatsuya diving back in. The soft little wet noises each contact made didn’t exactly help Jun to calm down, his mania wanting to keep going until he had turned blue, the sticky gloss keeping their lips together just for enough for them to keep going and _going and going-_

But well, he needed to breathe sometime.

He had to gently push his chest away for Tatsuya to get the hint.

“Sorry..”

“It’s- _hah,_ it’s okay-” Jun took a couple of deep breaths, his whole body charged with a sensation that felt completely and overly _foreign,_ as he sat up on Tatsuya’s lower torso, trying to stop his grin from looking _too deranged._

  
  


When he looked down, the look of absolute _adoration_ Tatsuya was giving him made Jun’s heart go even faster.

  
  
  
  
  


He dove down once more. 

  
  
  
  
  


Their kisses weren’t any less calm the second time, and more than once their noses bumped against each other, but they didn’t stop for something that simple, instead drinking in the pleasure of feeling each other’s warmth and desperation, something that was slowly getting Jun a little..

_Excited to continue._

  
  


It took the both of them a couple more minutes to separate and for Jun to rise back up once more, by then his lower stomach feeling like it was on fire, only the jacket’s length over his crotch saving him from embarrassment.

  
  


If his grin was too mad, Tatsuya didn’t seem to really mind at all. Instead he himself was smiling, his face already fully red and with no signs of calming down, his chest raising subtly as he also tried to recompose his breath.

“Hey there, _Ta-chan._ ” He whispered, in a spur of the moment.

  
  


“Hi.” Tatsuya seemed overly pleased at the name Jun had given him, however, his hands moving to rest on Jun’s waist once more, keeping him in place on top of him.

  
  
  


The nickname felt fitting.

  
  
  


_Even if he wasn’t meant to say it out loud anymore._

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Whoops. You heard nothing.”

“Did you say something?”

He covered his mouth with both of his hands to stop his giggles, feeling the way his cheeks were _definitely_ on fire.

  
  
  
  


Which is why the surrounding cold felt particularly cruel against his body.

  
  
  


Breeze ran through them, and Jun suddenly came to terms that they were still outside. He violently shivered, rapid discomfort running through his body. 

  
  


They should get going.

“We should get going.” He got off of Tatsuya, only to wobble slightly the moment he was up, the electricity that had gone through his body still circulating, and the heat between his legs not making things any easier.

_What had they just done?_

Tatsuya rose up a lot faster than himself, running a hand through his hair and quickly moving away from Jun's field of vision. “You’re uh. You’re coming over, right?”

_Coming over._

  
  


_Shit, he was going to his house._

  
  
  


"If you don't mind, then yes, I'm coming over." His voice was surprisingly steady for the nerves that were consuming him. 

  
  


When Tatsuya walked towards his motorcycle, his movements were slightly wobbly and awkward, eliciting a little manic giggle from Jun, as he was _very_ aware of what that meant, even if Tatsuya refused to turn around and show him. 

_Oh, he was adorable._

He purposefully followed him, just to mess with him, which got him the reaction of Tatsuya's ears turning darker and moving his whole body away almost immediately. 

"You know I already know, right?" He teased.

The grumble he got back made him laugh even harder.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The night sky smiled at them as Tatsuya's motorcycle ran through the streets, breeze running through them. Jun clung tightly to his waist, the helmet he had been given heavy on his head, but open enough to let him see the coastal road they had taken. 

  
  


The sea was incredibly unsettling at night once the sand got out of sight, but with Tatsuya's warmth in front of him, it turned comforting. 

  
  
  


The darkness couldn't get either of them, as long as they were together.

There were barely any people this late outside, so that let Tatsuya move freely and elegantly through the streets, with a little more flourish than usual, just to make Jun grab him a little bit tighter and gasp an excited breath. 

The stars shone bright and kind, fading as street lights became more prominent, glowing blurs illuminating their path. Sleeping businesses and eternally glowing neon lights contrasted each other as the motorcycle moved from the coast and into the commercial part of town, passing through drunken faces and loud laughter, skillfully dodging traffic, and Jun had never before felt this _alive._

He now understood why Tatsuya loved this so much. 

He didn't question the sudden skill, or the way it felt natural, nor the way his hands knew to cling to his torso and never let go. They didn't speak, both helmets making it quite hard without screaming, but it wasn't needed, for silence between them wasn't awkward, and in fact was a whole conversation.

  
  


A messed up conversation, fragmented and mismatched, but one nonetheless. 

  
  
  


Their first kiss had messed Jun's head up, but he didn't bother to try and fix it, not for now. 

In the morning they could talk, go back to being the friends they were supposed to be, get back into their role as if this had never happened, and the script could continue alright. 

But for now, what was so wrong about clinging to his friend _loveofhislife_ guyhejustmet _formerenemy_ stranger _preciousbeing_ simplehookup _childhoodcompanion- ?_

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


( _They deserved this. Just once._ )

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Jun's head was messed up and the slightest bit scrambled.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


He didn't mind. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


In fact, he hoped they got to do this again some other time.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


( _Just how much had they missed out on the last time?_ )

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


As they took their helmets off, having calmed down a little thanks to the bone chilling air around them, Tatsuya suddenly had a moment of clarity, apparently the weight of his own invitation finally falling on him.

  
  
  


“...I think I didn’t clean my room.”

  
  
  
  
  
  


His laughter came back with a vengeance at that. 

_Oh, Tatsuya._

“I- _hah-_ I, don’t mind!”

  
  


"Are you sure? I can- uh, clean up a bit before you enter or something.."

_This man.._

  
  


He shook his head vigorously.

"I- I bet it's no big deal, Tatsuya. I won't scream and run away. I'm not that fragile, you know." 

"I know you aren't." His voice was certain, way too certain to simply be talking about a messy room. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Entering Tatsuya's house proved to be a bit of a challenge, as Jun was guided through the dark slowly and carefully, the only evidence of his presence being the shoes left behind at the entrance. 

He questioningly looked at Tatsuya about that, to which he shook his head and gestured upstairs. 

Jun didn't look around too much, just enough to see where exactly he was going, as the adrenaline of not being heard filled his veins and made his insides bubbly, naturally light steps going up the stairs with anxious ease.

He had to rush up at the end there, because someone had turned on the kitchen light, and Tatsuya, in his panic, grabbed Jun tightly and pushed him inside his room.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Tatsuya's room wasn't as much of a disaster as advertised. Sure, clothes were thrown around, the bed was messy and things were out of place, but at the same time the smell of his wonderful cologne permeated everything, the cream colored sheets looked amazingly cozy, and there were so many little snippets of Tatsuya's life laying around for Jun to discover, that he found the room to be _absolutely pleasant._

He said so as he went through the space while taking off his coat, to which he got a response of a red face and adorably awkward shuffling. "Uh- you. The bathroom is next door. If you wanna.. uh. You can borrow something of mine to sleep in."

_He was being offered to wear Tatsuya’s clothes._

  
  
  


_That.._

_That sounded wonderful._

“..I’d love to.” 

Tatsuya nodded and quickly got to his closet, pulling out a hoodie and jogger pants, which he looked at a few times, then at Jun, as if quietly measuring them in his head. Seemingly satisfied, he presented them to Jun. “I uh. I only wore the hoodie twice. Around the house. It’s not dirty.” He cleared that up as a response to his gawking, but that wasn’t the reason why he was doing that.

He was going to wear Tatsuya’s clothes.

_Tatsuya’s hoodie._

He silently took the bundle, and rushed to the bathroom.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The moment he walked back in the room, Tatsuya was hunched over on his desk’s chair, typing something on his phone, one leg raised and half hanging off the chair, the other stretching as far as it could. He looked so at ease, his shirtless figure somehow even more heartstopping when it was bent and unflattering, the strong muscles of his arms and back hidden under a layer of contentment and sleepiness. 

Something deep inside of Jun was absolutely _delighted_ at seeing Tatsuya ( _finally_ ) relaxed, having to physically stop himself from cooing at him.

  
  


Instead, he didn’t do anything to let him know of his presence, simply taking a moment to not only bask in the beautiful sight of this man in his natural habitat, but to truly look around at the details of the space around him. 

It seemed Tatsuya really enjoyed his trinkets, as against the wall and over a sleek black computer rested a shelf full of them, handmade little things in mainly warm hues, from two figurines for an anime that made Jun’s head hurt if he looked at it straight on and for the life of him couldn’t remember its name, to a bronze colored tiny motorcycle with all its minuscule details, passing through a small cd collection and objects he had never imagined Tatsuya having, like the vintage looking bottle with a hand painted red salvia all over it at the end of the shelf. 

He seemed to hoard things from the past was the conclusion he came to when Jun analyzed it slightly, the trinkets contrasting against the warm cream walls just enough to be seen, but not enough to be _truly noticed._

On the desk, as well, and next to a notebook full of messy notes, was the book Jun had gifted him, with a bookmark.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


His bed, only barely lifted from the floor, had been arranged during the time Jun was away, bed sheets and thick duvet now laid precisely how it should go, the pillows having been fluffed up and arranged better than before. He concentrated on the small gesture a bit, smiling softly, toying with the edges of the large hoodie he had been given.

_Ah, the hoodie._

He loved it. 

Ten out of ten, never wanted to take it off. 

It smelled so _much_ like Tatsuya that Jun had to take a moment when he put it on to steady himself after grabbing the collar and taking a deep breath, feeling the scent coat his senses. 

It made his head spin lovingly, trying to stop his heart from beating too hard and drool from falling down the corner of his lips. It didn't just smell like his cologne, but like something oddly familiar, something he inherently knew was Tatsuya's own scent.

  
  


( _It had been a source of comfort, after all._ )

  
  


There were more than one squeal in the back of his mind, celebrating that they were _finally doing this, after all this time, they were finally sleeping together, finally feeling each other in a more carnal way than they ever could before, him and the love of his life, his only love, his precious man, they were safe, happy-_

( _And if anyone came to interrupt them, he’d tear them into_ **_little fucking pieces._ **)

Since the other's shoulders were wider, and overall he was bigger and taller than Jun, he was swimming a little in the hoodie, but that made it more comforting, the fabric covering down to the beginning of his thighs and showing a little more collarbone than intended. 

Something truly comfortable to sleep in, dark red and with a reproduction print of a monochromatic ukiyo-e on the front. 

  
  


He had debated on showing up to Tatsuya’s bedroom in simply the hoodie and his underwear, but finally decided not to, instead showing up with the jogger pants he had been given as well, a little scared that he would scare Tatsuya away if he was too forward.

  
  
  
  
  


( _And besides, if something happened, clothes could always be_ **_taken off._ **)

  
  
  
  
  


A pair of strong arms wrapped around Jun's middle when he had gotten inside his own head for too long. "It's not very interesting. Just messy." Tatsuya's deep voice mumbled close to him, and _fuck, Jun wanted to melt then and there._

"It's lovely." He tilted his head back, to lean up and press a soft kiss against his cheek.

  
  
  
  
  


For a moment, this was bliss.

  
  
  
  


"You- you look cute in my clothes. Maybe I'll let you wear them more often." If it wasn't for the stutter and nervousness in his voice, perhaps it would've sounded a lot more suave. But instead it simply sounded _adorable._

  
  


"Why, thank you." His knees felt slightly weaker than before. "You look amazing yourself." He leaned his body back against Tatsuya's, basking in the warmth he was being surrounded by.

"Wanna go to sleep or something else?" Tatsuya asked, his hands gently going up and down Jun's sides, but awkwardly stopping whenever he got too far down. 

  
  


_Well, something else could be understood as many things._

But they were tired.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


A bit of freshening up from Tatsuya later, and they were both under the sheets, clinging to each other gently, facing each other as Jun carded one of his hands through soft brunette hair, getting an adoring smile back. 

“You have no idea how long I waited to do this.” Jun muttered, his face close to Tatsuya’s, close enough to lean in and kiss him.

( _Had he waited for too long?_ )

“I think I know.”

( _Deep inside of him, he knew this to be true. He knew of Tatsuya’s pain, even if he had wanted to block it out over and over._ )

Jun’s face turned slightly sour. “I. I know you do.”

“Don’t be sad about it, please.” Tatsuya quickly moved to reassure Jun, deep brown eyes turning worried.

“But this. All of this is my fault, Tatsuya.” ( _What was his fault? Why the fuck was he letting the parasite talk over him, say things he himself didn’t know?_ ) “I- I think? I don’t know why I said that, I’m sorry, I-”

Instead of answering, Tatsuya closed the distance between them, soft lips against Jun’s own, lazy and slower than before, his arms bringing Jun’s body closer to his own.

Well, that was one effective way of shutting him the fuck up. 

He let him go on, kissing back enthusiastically.

  
  


For a night, he could let the parasite be.

  
  
  
  
  


Just for one.

He went to sleep content and comfortable, for the man he had fallen head over heels for kept him close to his chest and protected.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


He dreamed of the world silently falling down. 

Of death taking over thousands, and his own manic laughter championing it all. Of his guilt not over his violence, because he had absolutely no problem with it, but because he had just gotten wrong _who_ to direct it onto. 

Of an anger that consumed everything and made him whole, the decay in the composting pile, the blood meal, the thing that made him rampage through many, break things around him and yell at the world _why, oh why the_ **_fuck_ ** _had he been born._

Anger that made his words clipped around the woman that had birthed him when he had to ask for more money, that made him approve of bombings, that made him grab that one kid that had called him a fucking fairy _and beat his skull in._

Anger that his other half shared, that made his other half snappy and violent at times, that made him have a body count as well. 

He dreamed of loving someone to the point of being a little mad, of wanting to protect and keep safe a found family he had forgotten so long ago.

Of his Big Sis, the woman he loved most and had sworn to protect. The woman that the piece of shit that had raised him told him had died by the hands of the love of his life, a fat lie that had made his fury redirect, instead of striking against that piece of shit like it should’ve. 

  
  


Of making a little plan the moment he realised he was self aware enough to get a gist of what was going on inside a body that was his, yet not entirely.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Of going by another name, because the name Kashihara made him gag a little. 

Sure, the other name was still disgusting, attached to a cheating abusive piece of shit, but at least his mother was a small scale disgusting bitch and not the creator of the thing that was used to destroy a wholeass world. 

  
  


Of tangles and tangles of destructive thoughts, messed up memories and things that just couldn’t be, he had been loved, had had a mediocre, normal life up to the kidnapping incident, nothing else, it _couldn’t be, it couldn’t be, he wasn’t a monster, he wasn’t a monster_ **_he wasn’t a monster-_ **

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


When Jun woke up, it was way too early in the morning, and his head hurt horribly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh that took a turn at the end huh.


	8. The morning, the lunch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jun wakes up in a strange bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!!!! Jun's b-day is just around the corner!!!!! So, I may make something for the special date! Yes, I know it's valentine's too, but who cares lol!!!!
> 
> Have a fluffy, silly chapter. Pure unadulterated sugar.
> 
> [Edit]: fixed weird phrasing and spelling mistakes my first spellcheck didn't catch.
> 
> [Edit 2]: fixed a hilarious mistake. If you saw it, I hope it made you laugh.

His head was killing him yet his body didn’t ache too badly, which was a bit of a surprise, as the sheer amount of battles he had recently been through didn’t allow his body to calm down and fully relax. 

Perhaps that last bead he had taken had finally done the job? He didn’t remember going back to his house from Xibalba, but it wasn’t out of the realm of possibilities he had just been so exhausted he went on autopilot.

  
  


_Fuck, the bead should've helped his head also, instead of just his body._

  
  


He’d had the _weirdest_ dream, too. 

Not in an abstract sense, no, but in the sense of experiencing a happiness that to him was forbidden, as monsters _atoned,_ they didn’t get to have a happy ending.

A happiness that, to him, had been--

  
  
  
  
  


_Denied..?_

  
  
  
  


He opened his eyes slightly, as well as he could with the sheer amount of light surrounding--

  
  


_Wait, light?_

  
  
  


_Did he fall asleep with the lights on?_

  
  
  


_It wouldn’t have been the first time._

  
  
  
  


  
  
  
  
  


But the moment he opened his eyes, he was even more confused. 

He was somewhere he didn’t recognize, the ceiling too clean and pristine for it to be his own. Sunlight filtered through the blinds, some of it hitting his face in the way the position his futon was on wouldn’t allow and _oh-_

  
  
  
  


_Okay. This wasn’t his futon._

  
  
  


_This was an actual bed._

  
  
  
  
  


_..._

  
  
  
  
  


_Where even was he?_

  
  
  


He sat up and stretched, eyes scanning the room in growing confusion, going from the thrown clothing to the monitor on the desk, passing through the trinkets on the wall, his eyes stopping on the-

  
  
  
  
  
  


_Holy shit._

  
  
  
  


His heart skipped a single beat, thunder flashing through his mind.

  
  
  
  
  


Those were Black Condor and Red Hawk.

Those were Black Condor and Red Hawk holding hands and looking at each other. 

Those were Black Condor and Red Hawk holding hands and looking at each other next to a tiny motorcycle and other trinkets that looked very, _very_ fitting to one person and one person only.

  
  
  


_What the fuck?_

  
  


_What the fuck?!_

  
  


_(The hand holding detail was incredibly sweet, something that wasn’t lost on his mind despite his current freakout.)_

  
  
  
  


Next to him was something warm and solid, which let out a little grumble.

  
  
  


The sheer force with which Jun turned around could’ve easily hurt someone. 

_Okay, so. Apparently he hadn’t been dreaming._

  
  


The emotions in his chest felt contradictory and scary, ranging from sheer unadulterated _love,_ to fear, anger, confusion, apprehension, sadness and a manic euphoria that surpassed the one he permanently dealt with, only triggered when he was near--

  
  
  
  


Near _him._

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Layers upon layers of repressed emotion kept resurfacing, one after the other, and all Jun could do was stare with an impossibly hard and cold face how the love of his life was apparently more than okay with sharing a bed with him.

  
  


_Unless he had sneaked in during the night._

  
  


_Had he been invited to that bed, even?_

  
  


_Had he been a pathetic little bitch and cried again and this had all been a plan to console him?_

  
  
  
  
  
  


He blinked a few times, even pinched his arm, just to make sure he wasn’t just having another mindlessly convoluted dream. 

_Ouch, fuck-_

Apparently he was awake.

Without his watch. 

  
  
  
  


Had he taken it off? He never took it off except to shower.

  
  
  
  


Where was his watch..?

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Another grumble took Jun out of that line of questioning and dropped him right back into gawking at the figure next to him.

  
  
  
  
  
  


Tatsuya was drooling all over his pillow, which shouldn’t have seemed endearing, but the way Jun’s heart ached at the sight said otherwise. It was a sign that he was relaxed enough around him to drift off into the deepest sleep, something that, with all his transgressions, he didn’t even know was possible. 

He couldn’t help the stupid little eager smile that broke on his face, right through the blunt dull pain, as he took a moment to watch him a little better. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_Only to notice he looked slightly different than he remembered._

  
  
  
  


Not enough to raise alarms, no, but.. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**_Older._ **

  
  
  
  
  


With less baby fat and more angled features, and as his eyes slowly went down, he quickly noticed just _how much_ he had filled out, his shoulders had become broader, his chest firmer, tan skin gleaming in the sunlight in a way that made Jun’s mouth threaten to water and _okay, fuck, what was going on?_

  
  


His memory was still spotty, but he swore he hadn’t slept more than just a few hours. Sure, a few hours full of very bizarre dreams, but not that bad. Maybe Maya-nee would be able to give him some answers? She certainly had a lot more life experience than him, maybe sheer exhaustion could make someo-

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_Maya-nee._

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_Maya-nee.._

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_Oh._

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


His head throbbed even harder.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_Oh, fuck._

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_Oh, fuck, he wasn’t supposed to be aware of Maya-nee’s existence._

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_Why was he aware of Maya-nee’s existence?_

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The script got damaged as ink began to stain it further and further, the hole becoming increasingly larger the more Jun began to think, having to grab his head between his hands, his heart slowly picking up the pace as memories began to flash through his mind. 

_Maya-nee had died._

_Horribly._

_The world had ended as they knew it._

_In an irrepearable way._

  
  
  
  
  


_So to save it.._

  
  
  


Adrenaline injected itself in his bloodstream and he got up, unable to continue staying in a bed with this version of Tatsuya his alternative self somehow managed to sleep with.

  
  
  
  
  


_At least his other self was still gay. Thank fuck. He would’ve personally gone to Philemon’s realm and kicked his ass if his alternative self was anything other than a homosexual._

  
  
  


_He really fucking wanted to beat the shit out of him either way, but it would’ve been an extra reason to do it._

  
  
  


_Asshole didn’t even grant him his ultimate persona personally._

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


So.. what then?

  
  
  
  


He expected the moment he regained his memories for the world to explode. 

  
  
  


He walked towards the window, slightly opening the blinds to look around at Tatsuya’s neighborhood, somewhere he had actually never been at in his entire friend..relationship..? With him. 

(Jun could only have one freakout at a time at this moment, so he wasn’t about to review their relationship contact status yet. It would firmly remain in _Lovers..?_ Until Jun understood what the fuck was going on.) 

The neighborhood was quite charming, post war architecture sprawling in clusters of whites and greys, some having enough affluence to have anything resembling a garden, others tightly occupying their lot space. 

  
  


No strange Mayan structures nor alien machinery anywhere on sight.

  
  


Apparently the world had yet to explode thanks to him regaining his memories, something Jun wasn’t exactly sure if it was a good thing or not. For all he knew, the piece of shit of **_Nyarlthothep_ ** could be bidding his time, as the outside world looked..

A lot more bright than he remembered it to be, color graded enough to make him cringe and wonder just _how much_ had the gods messed with the timeline to make things this absolutely abnormal. He was quite sure a bunch of little kids meeting couldn’t have made the world suddenly lose all color, and the avoidance of that little event made things that much better.

  
  
  
  


Fuck that.

  
  
  


He refused to take any more guilt than the one he already carried.

( _You hear me, you piece of shit? You hear me?!_ )

  
  
  
  
  


When he lowered the blinds once more he glanced over at the love of his life, who was still passed out cold, and let out a relieved sigh that he hadn’t disturbed him. 

Good.

He wondered what exactly had happened for them to end up together in a bed like this.

Sure, Tatsuya had declared he had eyes only for him back in the Taurus temple, but he was more than aware back then that they didn’t have time for anything other than superficial romance, inbetween his fragile mental state and the utterly horrifying way the world had suffered thanks to said fragile mental state. 

His head throbbed once more, this time more violently, which made him wince, yet in utterly stubborn defiance he ignored it, despite the desperate way his mind scrambled to repair the script and make him compliant once more. 

  
  
  


He had become aware, and he wasn’t going to become a puppet once more without a fight. 

  
  


…

  
  
  


And without going to the bathroom.

  
  
  
  


However, that.. that required a bit of logistics. 

_How exactly had he arrived at Tatsuya's house?_

  
  


_He couldn’t seem to remember it amongst the hazy blurs of color and sound that had settled themselves in the back of his mind once his memories had come up to the front._

  
  
  


_Had he been sneaked in? He remembered his relationship with his brother not exactly being the best, but.._

  
  


_But how much had things changed?_

  
  
  
  


He slowly opened the door and snuck his head out, taking a quick glance at the corridor. When nobody seemed to be around he quickly walked out, rushing to the bathroom and gently sliding the door shut, only relaxing when he was finally alone.

And then, finally being alone, 

  
  
  
  
  


His mind snapped into panic mode.

  
  
  


He began overthinking everything, from _what exactly_ his life was like, whether his relationship with his mother had been changed or not, which label was appropriate for his relationship with this Tatsuya, to which parts of his dreamlike state had been factual and which ones imagined, and if he really wore all pastels in this life like an idiot. 

  
  
  


He would have to discover how things worked all over again, except with the crushing guilt of having taken the souls of innumerable people. And laughed about it. And now he couldn’t even atone for it, because his sins had been wiped off the face of the Earth, but not his fucking guilt.

  
  


_Fun!_

  
  
  


He let out a desperate groan as he washed his hands, which turned into a surprised noise the moment he rose up and saw himself in the mirror.

  
  
  
  


_Just.._

  
  


_Just how long had he taken to regain his memories?_

  
  
  
  


He looked older.

Not that older, thank fuck, but. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_More mature._

  
  
  
  


_Healthier._

  
  
  


_Better._

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


His face scrunched up in the ugliest way as he watched his shorter hair, his cherubic features, and it worsened as he realised he was wearing something that looked like it was Tatsuya’s, raising the collar to his face just to smell the scent on it.

_He still wore the same cologne.._

A tear threatened to fall, which he quickly scrambled to wipe off but failed, as he was fascinated at the fact that his arms looked a lot thicker than they used to be, holding them out and letting the hoodie’s fabric fall down.

  
  


He soon found himself unable to breathe through his sobs. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


Here he wasn’t a rabid animal scrambling to survive, a fighter with strength that came only from sheer fury and resentment. He could process things normally, eat calmly, actually enjoy what he was doing, enough to gain a soft layer of plumpness that covered his bones and a glow to his skin he had thought he couldn’t ever get, something he noticed with shining, teary eyes as he lifted the hoodie and admired the way he looked good enough to _grab_ and _touch._

He looked a little angelic, between the limpid amber eyes, the small waist and just how smooth his skin was. He bit his lip in slight excitement, wondering why in his hazy memory the word _sickly_ was something he had used as a descriptor for himself.

He looked amazing compared to the corpse he had been in another life. 

And even then he had been called pretty.

  
  
  
  


He felt fucking unstoppable now. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Happiness overwhelmed him, broke his face into a wobbly grin despite his fears of fucking this up somehow, of bringing ruin just with his sheer existence.

  
  
  
  
  


Despite knowing subconsciously his failure to follow the script would be punished, he still allowed his calculating paranoia to subside for a moment and simply _feel._

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The problem with being elated with oneself was that perception of time could easily be affected. Jun got out of the bathroom confident that he hadn’t taken that long in it, and there would be nobody around, 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Only to find himself face to face with a man with ruffled brunette hair and red tinted glasses holding a cat head shaped mug. 

  
  
  
  


For a moment they stayed put there, silently gawking at each other. 

  
  


_He could risk throwing himself down the stairs, right?_

_Maybe if he ran, he could make the man believe he had just seen a hallucination._

  
  
  


“...Kashihara-kun?”

  
  
  


_Shit, Jun, run. Run for your fucking lif- wait, he was using his father’s name in this timeline?_

_Huh._

  
  


He flickered his eyes towards Tatsuya’s bedroom door, which was apparently a bad idea, because in that second of not keeping his eyes on him like a spider on a wall Tatsuya’s brother had become more aware of the world around him thanks to the caffeine his brain absorbed. 

What was he supposed to say?

_Suou-san, hello. No, I am not fucking your brother that I believe of. I feel like I would know if I had. It would be in my weird as fuck dreamlike memories. I have no idea what exactly you think of me because I only met you a handful of times in my entire relationship with your brother. I shall get going now with the sole purpose of adquiring further information as to what my life in this timeline is like. Thank you._

  
  


No, he couldn’t say that. 

He attempted to subtly move one of his legs and _run,_ but before he could do any of that, Tatsuya’s brother continued.

“What.. Why didn’t Tatsuya tell me you were coming over? I’m sorry you have to see this, but uh. Do you want breakfast?” He watched Jun with soft (if not slightly apologetic) eyes, something that was completely different from the way Jun remembered seeing the man in the other side.

  
  
  


“Um. Sure..?”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It must’ve been a surprise for Tatsuya to find his brother and Jun having coffee together and talking about the state of Japanese politics with a slight tangent about baking, that was for sure.

Jun, faking youthful ignorance, asked as many questions as he could, listening intently to Tatsuya’s br- _Katsuya’s_ opinions as a man in the force, busying himself meanwhile with the piece of cake he had been served, making sure to shower the man with sincere compliments about the taste and texture of it in between dainty bites.

  
  


( _It certainly was good. He wondered if the man had left his dream of being in the culinary arts to join the force or if this was a hobby he had picked up after joining them._ )

  
  


Anyways.

  
  


_Apparently politics still sucked, still being an absolute media circus, only with less supernatural clowns._

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


When Tatsuya walked down the stairs and witnessed the scene he looked absolutely confused, eyebrows shooting up and eyes comically widening before turning into an annoyed frown, whole posture turning hostile in a way Jun couldn’t exactly pin a clear emotion to, or at least he couldn’t while attempting not to drool all over the kitchen table at the sight of the love of his life’s broad chest.

“Kats, what are you doing?” _Fuck, he had missed Tatsuya’s deep voice._ He quickly tried to supress the shiver that went down his spine, the half asleep tone making him sound even _hotter_ in a way his past self had fantasized with over and over for too long.

“Feeding the poor kid you didn’t tell me you had over.”

  
  


Jun had to bring his mug to cover as much of his face as he could as he watched the two brothers silently shoot daggers at each other, a conversation that apparently Katsuya was winning, as Tatsuya’s face turned progressively redder. 

“Look, I was gonna tell you, okay? I just- Jun, come upstairs please?”

“Tatsuya. Just have breakfast with us.” Was what Katsuya interrupted Jun’s hesitant attempt to answer with, turning any words instead into a sip of his coffee.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Breakfast with the two brothers in the room was both awkward and hilarious, as Jun tried his best to hide his amused snickers behind his stone cold face, answering Katsuya’s curiosity with practiced grace, quickly avoiding the subject of _what exactly_ Tatsuya and him were in terms of relationship labels.

He had no idea what this Tatsuya was like despite his current amusement, the man next to him the same as a complete stranger wearing his love’s face. His love’s very, _very_ irresistible face.

  
  
  


For all he knew they barely knew each other and had just hooked up, which would make this situation they were currently in even funnier. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


So, to avoid putting his other puppet self in a compromising position, he simply avoided and deflected, changing the conversation topic into irrelevant things the second Katsuya got anywhere near asking what exactly was a random man doing with one of his brother’s hoodies and slightly disheveled hair. As for Tatsuya, he mostly remained silent except to offer a few snarky remarks, his eyes expectantly flickering towards Jun whenever a _dangerous_ topic was brought up. 

  
  


They didn’t change when he deflected, which wasn’t a good sign. Or at least it wasn’t a good sign to deduct _what exactly_ was going on between them. 

At most they dulled slightly after each avoidance.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Things got even more confusing when Tatsuya’s rough fingers found his own under the table.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_He really would’ve appreciated a guide in this moment._

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Well, Kashihara-kun, it’s great to finally see you again after everything that happened, but if you excuse me, I’ll be late for work if I don’t get moving.” He offered Jun a soft smile and rose up, putting his cup and plate on the sink. 

“It was a pleasure, Katsuya-san.”

Katsuya’s eyes softened even further, nodding at him and shooting Tatsuya a meaningful glare before disappearing up the stairs, effectively leaving his brother and him alone.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


For a moment, there was silence between them, only the movement of cups, eating sounds and Katsuya’s distant actions filling the air.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_Truly, the cake was fucking amazing._

  
  
  
  
  
  


“Sorry, he can be a little too much.” Was what Tatsuya broke the silence with. 

  
  
  
  


“It’s alright, it was an accident we saw each other, really. But he seemed lovely.”

Tatsuya nodded, humming softly under his breath, eyes concentrated in his meal.

“Did you sleep well?” His tone was soft, _hesitant._

  
  


_So, not a long term romantic relationship._

  
  


The hesitant tone could mean a couple of different things, still, but at least one option was crossed off. “I did, yes. Did you..?”

For all he knew, they were strictly platonic, even, and just happened to be intimate enough to share a bed.

  
  
  
  
  
  


However, that was quickly thrown out of the window when Tatsuya’s neutral face broke into a little smile and his cheeks darkened slightly. “I slept better with.. with you in my arms.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


That..

  
  
  
  


_Holy shit..?_

  
  
  
  
  
  


_Apparently his words in the Taurus temple hadn’t just been something said in the spur of the moment._

  
  
  
  
  


It seemed his reaction had been visible, because Tatsuya’s smile grew wider. “Do you have class today? If not we can uh. We can play videogames for a little while if you want. I don’t have to go to the Academy today.”

_The academy..?_

  
  


( _Right. He was training to become a police officer. He knew that. Tatsuya had told him._ )

  
  


“Let me check..” He looked around for his phone, only to realise it wasn’t anywhere near him and probably upstairs in Tatsuya’s bedroom, something he voiced. 

“We can go look for it.” Tatsuya said, in a completely beningn, platonic and innocent tone.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Which was, apparently, a deception, as the moment they were upstairs Jun was quickly backed up against Tatsuya’s closed door. 

He left space between them, enough for Jun to sneak away if he wanted to, but close enough to read loud and clear his intentions.

  
  
  
  


All Jun could do was blink at him.

  
  
  
  
  


_Okay, they weren’t strictly platonic, that was for sure._

  
  
  
  


When he didn’t get a fast enough response, however, Tatsuya began shuffling awkwardly. “Sorry, you look very uh. You look very pretty, and yesterday we. We uh, kissed and all, and I thought..”

  
  


_New relationship?_

_Kinda like him and his Tatsuya?_

The redder Tatsuya’s cheeks turned, the cuter he looked. 

Something that wasn’t entirely fortunate as Jun, in all his newfound rebellion, was very aware this wasn’t _his_ Tatsuya. 

  
  


He wasn’t exactly the Jun that was supposed to be there, either, as the pain in his head warned ferociously, reminded him of the fact he was a monster, _a burden, a piece of shit, a leech to others, a dissapointment, a f-_

  
  
  
  
  


A what?

  
  
  


**_A what, exactly?_ **

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


He had paid for this reality with _blood, sweat, and tears._

  
  


_He had the right to have at least one day to enjoy it._

_He would rip this reality’s script to shreds if he needed to._

  
  


Anger suddenly bubbled in his veins, boiled, threatened to spill over, the want to grab his brain and shake it, destroy it, turn it into fucking mush growing, _burning_ inside of him. 

  
  


He grit his teeth silently.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Tatsuya didn’t back off, only tilting his head in curiosity, yet he patiently waited for Jun to decide what he was going to do.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


( _He’d waited for a long time, after all._ )

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


When he stared into deep brown eyes, they were eerily knowing.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Slightly menacing, even, if it had been anyone but him.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“I..” Jun began.

Tatsuya gave him a small smile. “I can back off if you want me to. I. I don’t wanna force you to anything.”

“No! I do wanna kiss you it’s just..”

“Hm?”

“I..”

_He could enjoy himself, just this once._

  
  


_Be a little selfish._

  
  
  
  
  


Tatsuya’s hands gently, tentatively, went to his sides.

  
  
  
  


And that was more than enough for him.

“Oh, fuck it, c’mere.” He wasted no more time debating things, instead looping his arms around his neck and kissing his soft lips all in one harsh motion, something that Tatsuya wasted no time with, wrapping his arms tightly around him and kissing back eagerly.

That.. 

  
  


_Fuck._

  
  


_Fuck, okay, he was getting what he had always wanted, holy shit, this was a thing, even if it wasn’t his actual Tatsuya, this was.._

The thrill that went through his body felt like thunder, a sensation that quickly spread all over his nerves and made even his fingertips sensitive, that made him have to tightly press his thighs together, that made him want more as soon as it was first given to him.

“Ngh..” He.. couldn’t help the noise that escaped him, because it felt _right. It felt incredibly right,_ passionate and slightly desperate, the avalanche of emotions his mind felt combined with the recently developing muscle memory of having made out with him before. 

  
  


He tasted like coffee, and traces from the cake they had eaten just a moment before. 

  
  


And it was a little silly, in retrospective, having woken up together, having had breakfast and then immediately clinging to each other once more. 

  
  
  
  
  


Slightly domestic.

  
  
  


But he enjoyed it. Enjoyed it enough to let Tatsuya grab his waist tightly and lift him, trusting him enough to loop his legs around his bare torso and let his strength support him. 

_And fuck, wasn’t he strong._

  
  
  
  


He wished he was able to do this with _his_ Tatsuya, but this was enough, more than enough, enough for his hands to move to his soft hair and pull it in an attempt to bring him closer, to let him feel even a fraction of what he was feeling, enough to not attempt to silence soft little noises that escaped with every contact. 

The pull on his hair had rewarded Jun with a soft groan, which egged him on to continue, to cling tighter, to let the mania that made him spill all over and make his own soft gasps and whimpers just a tad more noticeable.

To.. gently lick Tatsuya’s lower lip, asking for permission.

  
  


The pang of heat that went straight to his groin the moment their tongues touched almost made him recoil. Almost.

  
  
  
  
  
  


Instead, he doubled down on it, every time their mouths parted a single string of saliva still connecting them, said thing being motivation enough to keep going, and going, and _going-_

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


When they let go, both were scrambling for their breath, their faces still dangerously close, grinning at each other like two eager maniacs.

  
  
  


The light coming from the window made Tatsuya’s hair look slightly like gold. 

  
  
  
  


Like the miracle in Jun’s life that he was.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


He wanted to do this the entire day.

  
  
  
  
  
  


But.

  
  
  
  
  


_Wait, could he?_

  
  
  
  
  
  


_Shit, he had forgotten to look if he had class that day._

  
  
  
  
  


_...What was he even studying?_

  
  
  


( _All that came to his head was mathematics, formulas he seemed to know and cherish, alongside opinions of professors, classmates, and historical figures that had invented certain methods._

_Huh._

_Well, it was good to know he was pursuing higher education._

_He was already in college._

_He.._

_He had actually lived long enough to go to college._

  
  
  
  
  


_The joy that brought him added to his already overflowing mania._ )

  
  
  


“Hah.. we were supposed.. to be looking for my phone!” He laughed breathlessly, his thighs squeezing Tatsuya’s lower torso. 

“Not my fault you’re this cute!” Was the laughing reply he got back, his deep voice just turning a tad higher as he complimented Jun inbetween elated giggles.

“Look who’s talking! You look so good I was trying not to drool all over the kitchen.” 

  
  


What he got as a reply was silence and a disappearing smile.

  
  


His own smile faltered. 

  
  
  
  
  


_Had he fucked up somehow?_

  
  


_Maybe that had been cringe inducing?_

  
  


_Too strange?_

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


In his own worry, he almost missed the adoring look Tatsuya was giving him.

The way his eyes threatened to swell with tears.

  
  
  


“Thank you.” His whisper was reverent.

It made Jun’s face soften, and his grip to go from playful to gentle, as recognition filled his head, watching the way deep brown eyes were displaying an inside fight, between the vanished and the active. The way one of the vanished’s hands went to gently pet his back in the same way his love had done when, after a battle, he had silently confessed he could still feel the ghostly aberration of angel wings on his skin. 

“No. Thank you.” Jun whispered back. 

“For?”

“For letting me see you like this.”

The word _unguarded_ was left unsaid.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The knowledge that improvised makeout session had left Jun with was.. _a lot._

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


But he didn’t want to ask.

  
  
  
  
  
  


Perhaps if he survived the following day, then he’d ask about it.

  
  
  
  
  


If the script took longer to rewrite itself.

  
  
  
  
  


But for that moment?

  
  


If he didn’t have classes, he just wanted to play videogames with his best friend, no matter which version he was playing with. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


A bit of racking his split brain for the password later, he found out he had the entire day free,

So he proceeded to attempt to kick Tatsuya’s ass in fighting games as much as he could. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


At one point they even paused to play the sims for a bit, with the clear intent of killing them all in gruesome ways, laughing at the little cartoon people drowning in a pool with no method of escape. 

“Why is that townie so ugly? He’s.. green.”

“We should put him out of his misery.”

“Electrocute him.”

“Yes sir.”

  
  
  
  
  
  


_That._

  
  
  


_Felt like a sudden car crash in his mind._

  
  
  
  
  
  


He turned to look at Tatsuya after that personal attack, placing a hand on his chest. “What did you call me?”

  
  
  
  


“Sir.” He replied calmly, setting up the way to kill the poor townie with the green skin and the bright pink hair born out of one of Tatsuya’s mods in the game. 

  
  
  
  


“I.. okay.” He was trying to get out of the shock, but honestly _couldn’t,_ attempting his best to stop the grin wanting to crack on his face. Instead he turned to look at his knees, still wearing what he guessed to be Tatsuya’s pants, if only for how long they were on him. 

  
  
  


“You don’t mind, right?”

  
  
  


The bottom of Tatsuya’s desk was very nice. And who knew he had wireless controllers? That was very futuristic. 

  
  
  


“..Jun?”

  
  
  


His whole body felt like it was on fire.

  
  
  


“Jun.” Tatsuya’s voice sounded incredibly amused the second time he called his name.

  
  
  


_Fuck, he could never get enough of Tatsuya saying his name._

  
  
  


“I. I don’t mind, no.”

  
  
  
  


“Good.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Are you hungry?” Tatsuya’s voice vibrated against Jun’s cheek, his head nestled lovingly on his chest as they laid down in bed and scrolled through their respective phones after a little too many hours playing games. “We could go have lunch.”

“Hm.. Sure. But first..” After slapping his arm away he rose up towards Tatsuya’s face, gently rubbing their noses together. 

Asking.

“I think we could spend a little more time with each other.” He whispered, trying his best to keep his voice levelled despite the mania that kept the hairs on the back of his neck standing up with every contact Tatsuya and him had.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


They only managed to stop gently petting each other and making out a long, long while later. 

Jun wouldn’t get tired of the way it felt to rub their tongues together, the feeling of rough skin under his fingers, of the way Tatsuya squeezed him closer, his hands dangerously lowering closer and closer to his ass before they abruptly stopped and went back up.

  
  
  
  


There..

  
  
  
  
  
  


There was a boundary right there Jun wasn’t sure if he would be able to cross before the script swallowed him back up and lost him to obscurity.

  
  


But, _fuck!_ He wanted it.

He wanted it so fucking bad.

Needed the feeling of skin on skin, of savoring the searing heat accumulated for years and finally bringing it to a glorious release.

The satisfaction of making Tatsuya moan at least once. To keep him down on the mattress and make him squirm, tie him up and tease him until he cried, explore his body and take it apart, to take and be taken, to feel heat in the deepest parts of himself and accept it with a cry of _please, harder, Tatsuya, please-_

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The way his stomach grumbled was like a bucket of ice thrown all over his plans, however.

  
  
  
  
  


Tatsuya ended up laughing in Jun’s mouth, their kiss breaking and turning into elated amusement. “So- _hah-_ that’s a yes to lunch?”

Despite the pout he was giving Tatsuya, he couldn’t help but feel _utterly happy._

  
  
  
  
  


_Something in the back of his mind screamed he wasn’t going to wake up as himself the next day, so._

_To have Tatsuya like that, with his guard down, his hair messy and his lips red and swollen,_

_It was something he was gonna enjoy as fully as he could._

  
  
  
  
  
  


Yes, embarrassing laughter and all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading!!! Kudos and comments are always appreciated! I must ask again, however, how would you, as readers, feel about having explicit sex in here?

**Author's Note:**

> Help, there's plot in my silly romance


End file.
